5. CHUB UP YOUR PETS
In the a.m., gently feed your animal at least three whole cans of lamb and rice. In the p.m., top him off with chunks of beef and pork. Finally, before bed, massage some fish skin and mayonnaise into your pet’s sleek and silky topcoat. It’s a natural way to introduce enriching emollients.
4. PRESS DOWN ON CAP TOES
Always test for the presence of steel toes by firmly pressing down on the front top of any shoe or boot. Even ladies’ dress shoes can contain sharp metal crescent tops, to help the wearer perform ballerina boost jumps.
3. GROW A DOG
This may seem very similar to Party Tip No. 5 above, but in fact it applies to all-beef franks, and not living hounds. Take a hot dog and do whatever you can to make it grow. Then throw the entire mess into a pile of buttered banana and chilled ice.
2. COMPLIMENT SOMEONE
Just walk around until you see someone who looks really cool, and then go up and tell them to their face.
1. PARTY HARD
Party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard.
SEE IT: Andrew W.K. plays Warped Tour on Aug. 15. Fans can hang out with Mr. W.K. at the Andrew W.K. Party Tent, an 8,000-square-foot air-conditioned palace of awesome.