Oy, Portland! Ya call yerself Beervana? Ya might as well drink yer grandmother's piss. India pale ales an' high-'n'-mighty organic ales? More like fock-off ales. Ef it's not Scottish, it's piss.


Fer anyone thirstin' for the dark, strong ales of the highlands, the Cascade Brewing Barrel House is launching the Scottish Ale Fest, with nine Scottish ales from Fearless, Lucky Lab, Black Raven, Cascade and others. With ale flowing, bagpipers wailin' an' Stone Porridge providin' a soundtrack, it's enough to make yer caber stand at attention. This isn't a fest fer Portland sissies lookin' ta wet their tight pants. Luckily, Portland's rife with enough Scottish wares and events to turn Courtney Taylor-Taylors into Sean Connerys.

GO: The First Annual Scottish Ale Fest takes place at Cascade Brewing Barrel House, 939 SE Belmont St., 265-8603, cascadebrewingbarrelhouse.com. 3-11 pm Saturday, Jan. 29. Free entry but must buy mug to taste ales: Cascade Brewing mugs $3, recycled Oregon Brewers Fest and Holiday Ale Fest mugs $1, bring your own Oregon Brewers Fest and Holiday Ale Fest and pay no mug fee. Beer tasters $1, full mugs $4-$5. 21+.



Proper diets are essential to liver health, an' Portland offers the finest Scottish foods this side of Aberdeen. Essential is the shepherd's delight. Haggis is rare, but Scottish bar Rose & Thistle (2314 NE Broadway, 287-8582) cranks out delicious sheep's stomach stuffed with heart, lungs and liver. Cringin'? Gag all the way to the nearest hot dog stand, ya fat Yank fock. For a starter, the Scotch egg at Horse Brass Pub (4534 SE Belmont St., 232-2202, horsebrass.com) is king—a hard-boiled egg wrapped in sausage, breaded and deep fried. Yer heart will thank ya during the winter.



Aside from the occasional unicycle-bound musician, bagpipes don't git much love—wankers think they sound like a sack o' rats tossed in the pond. To Scots, they sound like baby angels serenadin' the heavens. Northwest Bagpipes (7160 SW Ventura Drive, Tigard, 987-0774, nwbagpipes.com) offers all the equipment needed ta play "Scotland the Brave" fer the neighbors.



No Scotsman (nor Scotslass) is worth shite without proper attire. The Scottish Country Shop (1450 SE Powell Blvd., 238-2528) is the Pictish Macy's. Along with canned haggis, kilts are available for purchase and rental. Ef anyone calls it a skirt, it's yer right ta smash a pint on the focker's head.



July's Portland Highland Games (phga.org) separates the highlanders from the lowlanders in feats such as the legendary caber toss, in which brawny men chuck gigantic logs into the fog. If the Scottish Ale Fest becomes the tradition it fockin' should be, you'll need those muscles fer next year's go 'round. Here's ta ye.