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March 2nd, 2011 MARTY SMITH | Dr. Know
 

Dr. Know: "Explain David Wu" winner revealed!

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Last week, you’ll recall that I suspended the “actual work” portion of this column to host the Great “Explain David Wu” Sweepstakes. Readers were invited to spin away nagging questions regarding the addled congressman’s propensity for hemorrhaging staff, sending loopy emails and dressing up in silly outfits. 

Response was overwhelming, at least for an easily overwhelmed soul such as myself, and there were many excellent entries. However, an intuitive feel for Rep. Wu’s cognitive style, along with the inclusion of a crisp $20 bill, has won the day for Phil Wallace of Milwaukie, whose entry is excerpted here:

Regarding “staff exodus,” Representative Wu proved, with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the icebox did exist and that one of his staff stole the remaining strawberries. Some disloyal staffers (probably the guilty ones) took the accusation personally and resigned, but the congressman bears them no malice and wishes them well.

As to the supposedly “incomprehensible” late-night emails, I might ask how comprehensible you are when you’re drunk-dialing ex-girlfriends at 3 am? John Boehner can’t even find the keyboard after a few shots of Jim Beam when he turns into Crying Charlie and anyway, what’s an email? It’s not like the congressman was cavorting half-naked in the Skidmore Fountain with Darcelle XV.

Now, there are some questionable pictures circulating that depict the congressman in a tiger costume. Beyond the obvious photoshopping, we can only acknowledge that there are also photos of George W. Bush attending Air National Guard meetings; of Neil Goldschmidt dating an older woman; of Sam Adams with his foot outside of his mouth. What’s to believe anymore?

Phil wins $50 at Capt. Ankeny’s, plus my usual compensation of all the half-empty beers left over after WW’s editorial meeting. Welcome to the life!

Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mention No. 1, unsigned

As a nine-year barfly at Captain Ankeny’s, after several Mac & Jacks, here’s my best attempt at weaving some sense into the seemingly strange events involving Mr. Wu:
 
1) Why did much of the Congressman’s staff quit en masse immediately after the election?
 
Term limits. Rep. Wu’s staff —after an extensive hands-on study in real-time 3-D—determined that he had served six too many two-year terms.
 
2) Why was he sending incomprehensible emails late at night?
 
Two reasons. One, he was attempting to throw WW off his scent—for he feared Oregon’s most dangerous investigative journalism team. Two, by sending encrypted messages to the Portland Zoo about a future vacancy at the Cats of the Amur Region exhibit, he hoped lure WW resources toward the growing scandal regarding a chimpanzee with Tourette’s syndrome.
 
3) Why was he wearing a tiger costume?
 
What man going through a trail separation or divorce hasn’t thought of himself as a recently uncaged wild jungle cat? Since Wu doesn’t appear to have abs, pecs and biceps of a Buffalo congressman peddling himself on Craigslist, he thought it prudent to show his commitment to the Portland Zoo and to deflect rumors of his severe addiction to Frosted Flakes.

Honorable mention #2: Charles Thomas.

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce myself: My name is LaDarius Jones and I am Representative Wu’s new press secretary. Mr. Wu granted me this position because he knows I am honest to a fault and waste no words.
 
Let me get to the point. Mr. Wu’s behavior has been erratic as of late, and before you leave here today you will not only know why, but you will have an acceptance for any future seemingly questionable behavior from Mr. Wu.
 
As you all know, Mr. Wu was implicated in a sexual assault while a junior at Stanford University in 1976. What you may not know was that the boyfriend of the supposed victim was Peter Buffett, son of Warren Buffett, the world’s richest man. Something else you may not know is that Peter Buffett was considered an innovator at Stanford’s Shockley Transistor Laboratory.
 
Ladies and gentlemen, let me be blunt – David Wu is the victim of a twisted attempt at revenge for an incident he regrets and only vaguely remembers.
Peter Buffett has implanted a mind-altering device in David Wu’s head in a sick effort to ruin Mr. Wu.
 
X-rays have confirmed the presence of a foreign object in Mr. Wu’s prefrontal cortex. Surgeons have determined the object is in too sensitive of an area to be removed.
 
Mr. Wu noticed changes to his behavior soon after volunteering for a paid experiment at Shockley Lab in 1977. Mr. Wu has made repeated attempts to broach this subject with Mr. Buffett over the past thirty-plus years, but has only in the past few weeks been able to begin a dialogue.
 
Mr. Wu appreciates the press’s interest in this matter and will notify you at the earliest moment a remedy is found for his predicament. In the meantime we will be issuing no further comments on this matter or supplying any supporting documentation. Thank you all for appreciating the sensitive nature of the discussions between David and Peter and I hope you will join us in praying for Mr. Buffett’s benevolence.

 
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