Hey Jesus!

We've seen the billboards, the sign trucks and the canvassers, so we know Harold Camping, the founder of Family Radio, has predicted you will return to Earth on May 21. And we know—except for the time he predicted you would show up in 1994—he's never been wrong! And of course we know, on the word of City Commissioner Nick Fish, that Portland is your "favorite city," so we assume you'll be stopping here before you kick off your world tour. And since you're a busy guy, we put together an itinerary for the day—although, if you'd rather just burn a few at our place and watch some South Park, we'd be fine with that, too.

1. His Bakery: (6011 SE 72nd Ave.) The place is named after you, so you’d better drop by! And, since your last meal was a Seder, we bet you’re jonesing for some leavening.

1. Lucky Devil Lounge: (633 SE Powell Blvd.) We know you like prostitutes, so how do you feel about strippers? If you can make it rain at the Lucky Devil Lounge—a minor miracle considering your track record—these girls will be turning the other cheek all night long, if you catch our drift.

1. Mount Tabor: Y’know, in case you want to give a sermon. The reservoirs would be a nice place for a quick stroll, too.

1. The ReBuilding Center: (3625 N Mississippi Ave.) Time to get back in the carpentry game, am I right? Let’s resurrect some siding, J-dog!

1. “Pod,” the sculpture at SW 10th and Burnside: You’ve known the guy for eons, so maybe you can clear this up—is that really what Satan’s balls look like?

1. Heavenly Donuts: (1915 N Lombard St.) Heavenly, eh? We’ll let you be the judge of that.

1. Greg Oden’s apartment: Seriously, it’ll take like five minutes….

Headout Picks

THURSDAY, MAY 19

[MUSIC] TIN HAT

Post-classical violin virtuoso Carla Kihlstedt's quartet plays classical-tinged folk music. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. 8 pm. $15. 21+.

[MUSIC] BAD MANNERS, THE ISRAELITES, ORIGINAL MIDDLEAGE SKA ENJOY CLUB

Now that we've had time to recover from our awful '90s ska-punk days, it's time to face it: 2 Tone-era bands like Madness and the Specials had the best clothes, the best album art and some of the best music of the '80s. Bad Manners, then—the tongue-in-cheek British Fat Boys of ska who never made it big stateside—is overdue a comeback. Dante's. 9 pm. $18 advance, $20 day of show. 21+.

FRIDAY, MAY 20

[MUSIC] PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT

The cellists welcome guests Ages and Ages, Laura Gibson, Weinland and Tomo Nakayama. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694. 8 pm. $15.

[MOVIES] THE TOPP TWINS: UNTOUCHABLE GIRLS

Part Prairie Home Companion, part Hee Haw and part Jack Benny, the Topp Twins are Kiwi lesbian sisters whose yodel-filled country-western act incorporates comedy, political activism and sunshiny sweetness. A documentary follows the Topps from childhood into the spotlight. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 238-8899. 7 and 9 pm. $6.

[MUSIC] BLACK CIRCLE FESTIVAL

You know what you need in your life? You need metal. Loud, viciousmetal from bands with names like Inquisition, Cemetery Lust and (our personal favorite) Grim Ritual. There's plenty of metal at Branx Friday and Saturday. Get your earplugs in and go to fucking town.  

Branx. 6 pm. $15. All ages. The festival continues on Saturday.

SATURDAY, MAY 21

[MOVIES] Stripes

A 35 mm print of Bill Murray in boot camp, with leading lady P.J. Soles in attendance. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave., 223-4515. 1 pm. $7. Proceeds benefit military families at Fisher House.  

[MUSIC] OREGON SYMPHONY

Carlos Kalmar and the gang mark the season's end and a triumphant return from Carnegie Hall with a smorgasbord of soloist showcases by Ravel, Tchaikovsky, Michael Daugherty and OSO's own Jeff Tyzik. Then, they show off the whole band with Béla Bartók's magnificent "Concerto for Orchestra." Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm. $20-$90.

WWeek 2015