With all the vegans in town, I am a little concerned about my oral sex life. Plain and simple question, do vegan chicks swallow?

—Dustin C.

I gotta say, Dustin, something about your letter gives me the distinct impression that your "oral sex life" consists primarily of you discussing, orally, all the sex you'd like to be having.

Not that you're not in good (or at least numerous) company: The sex chatter of guys who aren't getting laid is doubtless the single most popular form of shit-talking in our society. Since the shit-talking of non-vegans on the subject of what vegans should or shouldn't eat is steadily closing the gap in second, that makes you practically a one-man focus group.

I've gone vegan myself a couple of times, and I gotta say, the defensiveness this provokes in some members of the non-vegan population is striking:

What you say: "Is the garden burger vegan?"

What they hear: "J'accuse, you baby-raping animal torturer! Justify, if you can, your morally inferior non-vegan existence!"

The "do vegans swallow" question is mostly bandied about by these same defensive folks, who hope that by finding some logical or moral inconsistency in veganism, they can silence the little voice that says they're one of the bad guys in a real-life Charlotte's Web.

Here's the deal: The key point in moral or political veganism is not that the product comes from an animal per se, but rather that the animal is kept in a condition of servitude, providing its milk or honey against its will.

Thus, if she kidnaps you and puts you in a cage (assuming you're not into that kind of thing), and milks your honey over your protests, it's not vegan. But if, as I suspect, you'd give it willingly—all too willingly—I'd say your all-too-hypothetical vegan girlfriend is in the clear.