- FOOD FOR FOUGHT: The Oregonian continues to troll for foodie outrage with A&E cover stories such as “The Top 10 Previously Frozen Corn Dogs in the Portland Area,” and “The Culinary Delights of Pioneer Place Mall,” along with A-plus reviews of Outback Steakhouse, Claim Jumper and the Eastport Plaza Izzy’s. “A lot of snobby foodies eat fancy artisan corn dogs made from only one or two animals, but The O knows real people like traditional slurry-based corn dogs the way their mothers made them—nuked for 45 seconds and topped with ketchup,” Michael Russell will write.
- ANNIE BOY: Portland Center Stage announces a season of “unprecedented ambition” for 2012-13, beginning with an all-male, all-adult production of Annie and concluding with Cucumber Castle for the Union Dead,
a multimedia extravaganza “featuring the music of the Bee Gees and the
poetry of Robert Lowell.” The latter will be replaced by Just Country Boys and Girls,
a revue tracing the history of country music from Appalachian
hillbillies to Taylor Swift. Both shows will be huge successes,
compensating for the critically praised but sparsely attended January
production of Martin McDonagh’s A Melanoma in Tacoma.
- SOULED OUT: The trend of beloved local chains selling themselves to enormous national corporations continues. Laughing Planet will be picked up by Altria, Voodoo Doughnut will sell to Yum! Brands and Berkshire Hathaway will pay $200 million for a 30 percent share of Little Big Burger.
- STORMY TIMES: When Portlandia is renewed again, its producers grow desperate for local celebrities to perform brief cameos. Season three will feature Amanda Fritz as a zebra-striped centaur, Storm Large as her own notoriously large vagina and newly elected Mayor Jefferson Smith as a highly articulate and arrogant cannibalistic serial killer. Storm’s catchphrase, “put a hoo-haa on it,” finally makes her famous in Beaverton, a break she’s able to parlay into a role as the “young” version of Kim Cattrall’s character in Sex and the City 3.
- BEAN COUNT: The hot new trend in coffee will be artisan K-Cups. Baristas handcraft the tiny cups out of reclaimed plastic, filling them with single-origin grinds, then brewing them on hacked Keurig machines, retrofitted with sawn-off Hario kettle spouts. New York Times writer Oliver Strand will offer blanket coverage, chastising locals for chafing at the cups’ “very reasonable” $8.50 price.
- THE FORMAT: As cassettes replace CDs and vinyl as the go-to release format for Portland bands, a group of underground experimental musicians takes the retro trend to new extremes by starting a boutique laserdisc label. “There’s something really tangible about laserdisc,” one obscure fuzzcore producer will say. “And they’re fucking huge. And you have to turn your television on to listen to them. And no one is ever going to buy them. So it’s pretty much the perfect format.”