FOOD FOR FOUGHT: The Oregonian continues to troll for foodie outrage with A&E cover stories such as âThe Top 10 Previously Frozen Corn Dogs in the Portland Area,â and âThe Culinary Delights of Pioneer Place Mall,â along with A-plus reviews of Outback Steakhouse, Claim Jumper and the Eastport Plaza Izzyâs. âA lot of snobby foodies eat fancy artisan corn dogs made from only one or two animals, but The O knows real people like traditional slurry-based corn dogs the way their mothers made themânuked for 45 seconds and topped with ketchup,â Michael Russell will write.
ANNIE BOY: Portland Center Stage announces a season of âunprecedented ambitionâ for 2012-13, beginning with an all-male, all-adult production of Annie and concluding with Cucumber Castle for the Union Dead, a multimedia extravaganza âfeaturing the music of the Bee Gees and the poetry of Robert Lowell.â The latter will be replaced by Just Country Boys and Girls, a revue tracing the history of country music from Appalachian hillbillies to Taylor Swift. Both shows will be huge successes, compensating for the critically praised but sparsely attended January production of Martin McDonaghâs A Melanoma in Tacoma.
SOULED OUT: The trend of beloved local chains selling themselves to enormous national corporations continues. Laughing Planet will be picked up by Altria, Voodoo Doughnut will sell to Yum! Brands and Berkshire Hathaway will pay $200 million for a 30 percent share of Little Big Burger.
STORMY TIMES: When Portlandia is renewed again, its producers grow desperate for local celebrities to perform brief cameos. Season three will feature Amanda Fritz as a zebra-striped centaur, Storm Large as her own notoriously large vagina and newly elected Mayor Jefferson Smith as a highly articulate and arrogant cannibalistic serial killer. Stormâs catchphrase, âput a hoo-haa on it,â finally makes her famous in Beaverton, a break sheâs able to parlay into a role as the âyoungâ version of Kim Cattrallâs character in Sex and the City 3.
BEAN COUNT: The hot new trend in coffee will be artisan K-Cups. Baristas handcraft the tiny cups out of reclaimed plastic, filling them with single-origin grinds, then brewing them on hacked Keurig machines, retrofitted with sawn-off Hario kettle spouts. New York Times writer Oliver Strand will offer blanket coverage, chastising locals for chafing at the cupsâ âvery reasonableâ $8.50 price.
THE FORMAT: As cassettes replace CDs and vinyl as the go-to release format for Portland bands, a group of underground experimental musicians takes the retro trend to new extremes by starting a boutique laserdisc label. âThereâs something really tangible about laserdisc,â one obscure fuzzcore producer will say. âAnd theyâre fucking huge. And you have to turn your television on to listen to them. And no one is ever going to buy them. So itâs pretty much the perfect format.â