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April 11th, 2012 BEN WATERHOUSE | Performance
 

You Think You’re Funny?

We put seven Bridgetown Comedy Festival performers to the test.

perf.box.mariabamford_3823MARIA BAMFORD - IMAGE: Susan Maljan
     
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This weekend, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival will bring more than 200 comedians to nine venues along Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard. That’s a lot of funny people. But how well do these so-called comics know the classics of their trade? We surveyed some of this year’s performers to find out. 

Are black, brown or green people different from white people? If so, how?

Maria Bamford: People can only be distinguished from each other under powerful microscopes. There, among the atoms, scientists have found that everyone is black. Or white. I can’t remember which one.

Matt Kirshen: All people are the same on the inside. That’s why skeleton people don’t have racism.

Dave Holmes: No. But this does remind me of my favorite thing that probably-racist people say: “I don’t care if you’re black or white or green or purple….” You know what? You would and should care if someone is green or purple. They might need medical attention. 

Ron Funches: They come from different places and have different cultures. This seems like something someone should have taught you already.

Jimmy Dore: Mostly the color.


Bonus: women, men…?

Maria Bamford: Men get what women are talking about because they are women, and the same goes for the ladies and guys.

Matt Kirshen: Sadly, you can tell the gender from the pelvic bones, so some skeletons are still sexist.

Dave Holmes: You’ll see my uproarious take on the battle of the sexes in my romantic-comedy adaptation of the DSM-IV, coming to theaters this summer.

Jimmy Dore: Biggest difference is the number of holes.


Please describe my mama.

Maria Bamford: Your mama is so ugly she will not abide by any moral codes. No, seriously, she almost ate me.

Matt Knudsen: Your mother is a gracious lover and her rates are reasonable.

Shane Mauss: Yo’ mama raises bad publicists.

Matt Kirshen: Yo’ mama’s so supportive, she enabled you to pursue a career in the media.

Ron Funches: Your mama is like you but older and female, if you are not female.

Jimmy Dore: Your mama is mysterious and unknown to me.

Dave Holmes: Your mama is so unself-aware, she has no idea we’ve had such fun at her expense.


What is the “deal” with airline food?

Maria Bamford: Here’s the deal: Food has to be nonperishable, in bulk and easily stored in very limited airplane kitchens. It’s hard to have stuff that’s fresh and palatable to all, so they serve a lot of chicken and pretzels.

Matt Knudsen: The last time I flew, the deal with airline food was that if you buy an entree, you get $3 off a well drink.

Shane Mauss: Typically, any food and beverages are complimentary for first-class passengers. Everyone else gets a complimentary snack (i.e., bag of pretzels) and nonalcoholic beverages. There are meals and alcoholic beverages for purchase. Most airlines no longer accept cash, so make sure to bring your Visa or MasterCard.

Matt Kirshen: I was wondering just that same thing the other day, so I did some research. Turns out it’s prepared off-site by a third-party contractor, and loaded onto the aircraft just before the passengers.

Dave Holmes: It doesn’t exist anymore? Actually, airplanes account for 100 percent of my Pringle intake these days, so I’m not going to knock them.


SEE IT: Bridgetown Comedy Fest presents more than 200 comedians at venues along Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard Thursday-Sunday, April 12-15. $70-$150 festival passes, $10-$30 single shows. Full schedule and tickets at bridgetowncomedy.com.

 
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