You've been to the upscale grocery stores and the tiny ethnic markets, you purchased the Thomas Keller cookbooks and the obscure gadgets and you even ordered that adorable apron from Williams-Sonoma. Eventually, you are going to have to cook something. Lucky for you Portland's rock-star chefs and devoted foodies are willing to impart their knowledge and guide you on a culinary conquest. So, what's on the menu?

Butcher a pig.

Where to go: Portland Meat Collective, 347-5540,

What you'll get: The whole hog—well, chunks of it anyway. The local butchery school gives students the hands-on approach to dividing up a pig and lessons on what to do with the pieces. 

Cost: $225, with meat included

Mix a killer cocktail.

Where to go: House Spirits Distillery, 2025 SE 7th Ave., 235-3174,

What you'll get: A two-hour class touching on the history of cocktails and spirits (enlightening and intoxicating), the basics of balancing a perfect cocktail, and how to mix up a variety of fancy beverages.

Cost: $25

Make authentic Indian cuisine.

Where to go: Milwaukie Kitchen & Wine, 10610 SE Main St., 653-3228,

What you'll get: The kitchen store, deli and specialty grocer offers a variety of cooking classes, but instructor Leena Ezekiel brings the flavors of her native India to the table, from home cooking to street food. 

Cost: $65

Make sushi like Jiro.

Where to go: Miso Magic, 1332 SE 44th Ave., 867-6367,

What you'll get: Hands-on instruction with the school's founder, Noriko Hirayama, in preparing sushi rice, traditional rolls and miso soup.

Cost: $70

Do it fast, cheap and tasty.

Where to go: Cook With What You Have,

What you'll get: Passionate cook and slow-food activist Katherine Deumling teaches classes out of her inner-Southeast home on how to whip up delicious meals with what you've already got in the fridge; stock the pantry for fast, healthy cooking; and be a savvy shopper at the farmers market.

Cost: $30-$195, depending on the class

Be the next Julia Child. 

Where to go: Robert Reynolds Chef Studio, 2818 SE Pine St.,

What you'll get: Serious culinary training in the traditional French style in an eight-week course with chef, author and educator Robert Reynolds. Also offered is a four-part series hosted by local chefs, and for the truly devoted (and wealthy), a five-day trip to the Bordeaux region of France to shop, cook and eat. 

Cost: $600-$800 for the series, $9,000 for the course, $3,200 for the trip (not including travel)

Make cheese, pickle things, brew kombucha…I want it all!

Where to go: Urban Growth Bounty,

What you'll get: A project of the City of Portland's Bureau of Planning and Sustainability, Urban Growth Bounty offers a cornucopia of classes on the topics that highlight our very Portland-ness, from beekeeping and cheesemaking to pickling/preserving and backyard animal husbandry. Local experts share their DIY skills. 

Cost: Varies