Just the Twos and Us

Will Smith sequels more necessary than Men in Black III.

SENDING YOU FORGET-ME-NOWS: Will Smith, galaxy defender.
By MATTHEW SINGER

Something is terribly wrong with the world when we’re getting a third Men in Black movie and still don’t know what happened after Will Smith and Kevin Kline rode that giant mechanical spider into the sunset at the end of Wild Wild West. Nothing against the Barry Sonnenfeld sci-fi action-comedy franchise, but there are several other Big Willie properties for which sequels are long overdue. With MIB3 not screening before WW press deadlines (look for a review at wweek.com), we had time to consider a few. Thank us later, Hollywood.


Hitch 2: The Hitchening

How the original ended: Romance coach Hitch (Smith) learns he may be a playa, but in the chess game of love, every king needs a queen. 

The sequel: Alone, ravaged and decaying from unnamed diseases contracted during his days as a professional Lothario, Hitch lurks beneath the city of New York, feeding on unsuspecting speed daters who chance by open manholes. In truth, he's trying to get the attention of Sara (Eva Mendes), now a pathologist racing against time to prevent herself—and all the women of New York—from succumbing to Hitch's highly mutated viral strain. Kevin James appears briefly to be kicked in the balls.


Ali 2: Thrilla in the Retirement Villa

How the original ended: Ali beats George Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle. Greatness is declared. 

The sequel: Wacky retirees Cassius (Smith) and Smokin' Joe (Cedric the Entertainer) are still at it, hurling insults at each other day in and day out at the Shady Acres Retirement Villa in Orlando. But their fragile peace is broken when a sassy—and very available—new nurse (Diana Ross) appears at the front desk with a prescription for 22 cc's of hilarity. Also starring Andy Serkis as all 14 of George Foreman's sons. 


Seven Pounds II: Rise of the Spineless Samaritan

How the original ended: After donating his organs in atonement for a fatal car accident he caused years earlier, guilt-ridden Tim Thomas (Smith) commits suicide by taking a bath with his pet jellyfish.

The sequel: Awakening in a morgue, Thomas is shocked to find himself still alive. Even more astonishing, he discovers his pet jellyfish is radioactive. Imbued with all the powers of an invertebrate, Thomas rechristens himself the Spineless Samaritan, and dedicates his new life to altruistic superheroism, stealing organs from the cruel and giving them to the kind. Having already given away his own eyes, heart, lungs and kidney, he is largely ineffective.


12 Degrees of Separation

How the original ended: Smith's Ivy League con man, who charms his way into high society claiming to be Sidney Poitier's son, is arrested, his true identity and ultimate fate unknown.

The sequel: A high-class Hollywood actor named Will Smith (Smith) is relaxing in his city-block-sized trailer when someone knocks at the door. He is greeted by an elderly man (Sidney Poitier) claiming to be…Will Smith?! The two slowly form a bond, but both Smiths are forced to ponder their own mortality when another visitor appears at the trailer, this time a prepubescent boy (Jaden Smith) claiming to be…Will Smith?!


Darren Aronofsky's The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

How the show ended: The Banks family moves out of their Bel-Air mansion and heads for the East Coast. 

The movie: With Uncle Phil succumbing to a fifth heart attack, Carlton back on speed pills, and the two Aunt Vivs dissolving into each other à la the twin Ron Silvers in Timecop, the young prince is finally free to ascend his throne…but at what cost? In this contemplative look at the alienation of royalty, the corrosive nature of power and the folly of Cross Colours, Will is left pondering, “Just how did my life get so flipped turned upside down?” 

SEE IT: Men in Black III opens Friday at Lloyd Center, Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Eastport, CineMagic, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, City Center, Division, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies On TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Roseway, Sandy.

WWeek 2015

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