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June 20th, 2012 CASEY JARMAN | Featured Stories
 

Summer Guide 2012: It’s Not a Portland Summer Until You’ve...

39 ways to stretch the next few months as far as they’ll go.

lede_bucket_summerguide_3833ILLUSTRATION: kurtmcrobert.com
     
Tags: summer

home summerlist breweries bike grow hike child child Locals talk about “Portland summers” in near-spiritual terms. There’s a reason for that. In what are supposed to be the warmer months, the sun—like a wild, coked-up celebrity party guest—has a tendency to arrive late and leave early, leaving epic stories in its wake.

The lesson is that Portlanders shouldn’t measure summer by the length of their shadows or the weather app on their iPhones. The only way to know for sure that summer is upon us is by grabbing the season by the balls and squeezing until it submits to our recreational demands. With that in mind, we offer you this list. Once you’ve done all of these things, you may rest until Halloween.


Taken the free shuttle to Spirit Mountain Casino...
And met some friendly white-haired old ladies on the trip.

Zoobombed...
The legendary weekly bike rides (coasts?) are friendlier and way more dangerous than you think.

Ridden on the Portland Spirit...
Ideally during a drunken bachelor party for someone you don’t know.

Gotten lost in Forest Park...
Which is surprisingly easy to do.

Swum naked at midnight on Sauvie Island...
And watched the ships go by.

Attended all 53 hours of the PDX Pop Now! summer festival...
And become a Portland music expert in a single weekend.

Celebrated Bastille Day...
Because we do that here.

Gone ice blocking under the St. Johns Bridge...
It’s good wholesome fun—so you should probably get drunk first. 1

Attended a Sunday show on Rontoms’ patio...
It feels a lot like we imagine Los Angeles to feel.

Played in a weekend softball league...
Then quit, because who wants to have plans every weekend?

Visited antique row in Sellwood...
And paid way too much for Blazers pint glasses.

Attended Trek in the Park...
And rooted, quite loudly, for the bad guys. 2

Walked home from the Aladdin Theater...
After a really good sit-down show. Regardless of where you live, that’s probably a pretty good walk.

Toured 82nd Avenue on foot...
Because it’s just as vibrant as Alberta or Mississippi, just way less convenient.

Thrown up at a street fair...
You’ll be surprised how few people actually notice.

Bought fireworks in Washington...
And brought them back to Oregon.

Taken a MAX train to the airport...
Just to use the free Internet and people-watch for a while.

Taken the aerial tram...
Best three-minute thrill ride $57 million could buy.

Discovered the house-show scene...
And don’t be a dick about it—you’re rocking in someone’s home.

Smoked pot with street kids...
Don’t be shy—hear their stories, pet their dirty dogs.

Driven to Astoria...
Because, damn it, Goonies never say die.

Rented one of those dumb four-person bikes on the waterfront...
And taken it places it was never meant to go.

Done something stupidly Portland...
Oh, come on: Join a naked bike ride or get wasted at a beer festival or wait in line for an hour for a doughnut. Because if you keep watching other people do these things, you’ll get bitter.

Taken a BoltBus to Seattle...
It’s about $8. Not as pretty as taking Amtrak, to be sure, but the reduced fare will help offset the price of your Mariners tickets.

Protested something totally random...
To see how many cops show up.

Gotten deep with a cabbie...
Call Radio Cab if you want to meet a part-time tattoo artist; Broadway if you want to meet someone from abroad.

Dropped in at Burnside Skatepark...
Break a leg!

Gotten your medical marijuana card...
Because you totally broke your leg at Burnside Skatepark. 3

Eaten something way too big from a food cart...
And paid for it dearly the next day. 4

Gone on the Disk’O nausea machine at Oaks Park...
Oaks Park has been there for 107 years—isn’t it time you paid a visit?

Gotten your fortune told at the 24-Hour Church of Elvis...
Then said, “Wow, that’s it!?” 5

Bro’d down in Chinatown...
You only get to do this once before you turn full-fledged douchebag.

Signed a petition at Pioneer Square...
Because those signature-seekers are people, too.

Taken a kid to OMSI...
If you don’t have a kid, borrow one.

Watched movies in Laurelhurst Park...
And know that no matter where you sit, you’ll be behind a passionate-make-out couple.

Drunk a 40-ouncer on a railroad bridge in the Brooklyn neighborhood...
So fucking romantic, you don’t even know.

Had your camping trip rained out...
...in August.

Played a game of pickup basketball in Irving Park...
And vowed to never play basketball again.

Said “God I love Portland in the summer”
Amen.


1. Ice blocking requires one extra-large block of ice and a towell. Combine, sit and slide down the nearest grassy hill.

2. Pretty sure this year’s enemies are Orions.

3. Other common excuses for medical marijuana applications: persistent muscle spasms or nausea.

4. WW recommends Big-Ass Sandwiches.

5. The Church of Elvis is more like a vending machine than an actual church. It is at 408 NW Couch St.

 
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