Children’s games are wasted on the young. Kids are stupid and weak and uncoordinated, and they lack the pent-up aggression that can only come from enduring years of 1040s and prostate exams. Yes, you play in an adult dodgeball league, and I’m sure your parents are very proud, but there’s a whole childhood of forgotten pastimes out there to reclaim. You’re bigger now—stronger, faster, meaner, and your mom can’t tell you what to do anymore. This summer, ditch the masochistic drudgery of the gym and take back fun from those who least deserve it—today’s youth. Here are four children’s summertime activities we’ll be bringing back this year:
Remember when you were 10 and you really wanted a Super
Soaker, and you had to wait for your birthday and then your parents only
got you the Super Soaker 50 because they didn’t understand that you needed
the XP105? You have no idea how much more you’re missing out on now.
The Super Soaker Lightningstorm Blaster is battery-powered, fully
automatic, shoots 25 feet and has a “blast shield,” whatever that is.
And at $25, it’s by far the most expensive pistol in the range. You have
your own money now. Toys, it turns out, are actually pretty cheap. You
can finally water fight like a boss, without the handicap of your
parents’ miserly ways.
Yeah, we all saw the Portlandia episode. I’m not
talking about that. I’m talking about Forest Park and camo gear.
Hide-and-seek in your house or backyard was stupid. Too many walls, too
much light, too much adult supervision. And you don’t need to waste
money on paintball or laser tag. The essential elements of these games
are the same: predators, stealth, fear. Add a real park, impending
darkness, adult running speeds and smartphones, if necessary, and you’ve
got the most fun you can have with two legs and a ruthless spear
tackle. Not enough? Up the ante with British bulldogs or capture the
Today’s trampolines are rubbish. They’re surrounded by
safety netting and covered springs so our mollycoddled little moppets
don’t injure their precious bones. Half the fun of trampolines was the
ever-present danger that your limbs could end up twisted and maimed in a
mess of rusted steel. The other half was the fun of bouncing off the
trampoline onto something—garage roof, basketball hoop, swimming pool.
None of these things are possible with modern trampolines. Fortunately,
the old deathtraps of yesteryear—vintage recreational equipment, as I
prefer to think of them—are available for mere pennies on Craigslist.
Just make sure your dental insurance is paid up.
Slip ’n Slides
The dream of every overheated child stuck at home during summer break. It was almost like having a water slide in your backyard, only without all the good bits. Of course, you didn’t have a real Slip ’n Slide, because your parents weren’t about to buy you an overpriced sheet of plastic, young lady, so you had a moldy old shower curtain and a sprinkler. The real thing actually costs only about $20 these days, but it turns out your parents were correct: It really is just an overpriced sheet of plastic. You can construct a bigger, faster, longer, infinitely more dangerous sheet of plastic for about the same price at a hardware store. Just add friends, sun and bubble bath. And don’t forget your Super Soaker.