Along with the screaming children eating cheese sandwiches and miserly old folks with elaborate seating arrangements, Portland’s Movies in the Park series offers lots of PDA. To help you make those awkward moves—or know when to keep your eyes fixed on the screen as cheap thrills are copped around you—we’ve excerpted the most sensual moments from the screenplays of this year’s crop. Yes, this is really how Hollywood writes romance. E.L. James couldn’t do it better.
E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial (June 30, King School Park)
[Elliott sits down and cries. E.T. touches one of his tears.]
Back to the Future (July 10, Oregon Park)
LORRAINE: I don’t worry about it!
[And with that, she throws herself on him, kissing him passionately, climbing all over him, putting his hands on her breasts! Marty is absolutely shocked!]
Wizard of Oz (July 14, Concordia University)
WIZARD: You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
[The Wizard leans forward and kisses the Lion—the Lion reacts, speaks.]
LION: Oh—Oh—shucks, folks, I’m speechless!
Roman Holiday (July 19, Caruthers Park)
JOE: Say, you know, you were great back there.
ANN: You weren’t so bad yourself.
[She stops suddenly, looking into his eyes. He leans forward and kisses her. They stop several moments later and look into each other’s eyes.]
Citizen Kane (Aug. 3, Laurelhurst Park)
[Kane is just stepping into an elegant barouche, drawn up at the curb, in which sits Miss Emily Norton. He kisses her full on the lips before he sits down. She acts a bit taken aback, because of the public nature of the scene, but she isn’t really annoyed. As the barouche starts off, she is looking at him adoringly. He, however, has turned his head and is looking adoringly at the Inquirer.]
The Muppets (Aug. 10, St. Johns Park)
MISS PIGGY: Shhhh.
[MUSIC UP: “I’m Your Puppet” by Marvin Gaye.]
[Piggy and Kermit stand face to face, framing the violent kidnapping of Jack Black. A long beat as they stare into each other’s eyes. Piggy leans in for a kiss. Kermit panics.]
KERMIT: Ummm..... PEANUT!
[He joins the fray, leaving Piggy standing alone, puckering.]
MISS PIGGY: (angry) That’s it frog! Never again! Never again!
THURSDAY JUNE 28BOBBY BARE JR.
[MUSIC] Though he visits our fair city more often than our in-laws, we just can’t get enough of this cherub-faced, affecting and hilarious twangy songwriter. He’s still touring on 2010 full-length A Storm a Tree My Mother’s Head, but that album deserves a victory lap. Besides, today is his 46th birthday. Bunk Bar, 1028 SW Water Ave. 9 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 21+.
[COMEDY] The diminutive comic has built a nice film career. He’s played a cartoon rat, had his ass kicked by a former NFL player and, improbably, slept with Charlize Theron. But to comedy nerds, he’ll always be the guy who renamed a certain KFC menu item “a failure pile in a sadness bowl.” Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 pm Thursday, 7:30 pm and 10 pm Friday-Saturday, June 28-30. $30-$35.
FRIDAY JUNE 29NORTH AMERICAN ORGANIC BREWERS FESTIVAL
[BEER] Environmentally savvy drinkers sample organic brews alongside live music and food vendors. There are really complicated recycling arrangements and absolutely no car parking. Show your validated TriMet ticket or bring three cans of (preferably organic) food for $1 off your biodegradable cornstarch tasting mug. Overlook Park, North Fremont Street and Interstate Avenue. Noon-9 pm Friday-Saturday, noon-5 pm Sunday, June 29-July 1. Free admission, beer tasting requires $6 glass and $1 drink tokens. naobf.org.
[SEX] Bad news: Scientists are pretty sure about this global climate change thing. The good news? Five academics think sex will save the world from an eco-motional meltdown. They will be talking sex and sustainability, and how the two are related, before getting down and earthy at the Ecosex ball. Friday-Sunday, June 29-July 1. Various locations and times. Full package $111-$149. ecosex.org.
SATURDAY JUNE 30MATES OF STATE
[MUSIC] Forget the cutesy stories about Mates of State raising kids on the road—this husband and wife duo works because it rocks very, very hard using very, very little. Besides, said couple crafts sing-alongable nonsense lyrics like: “Set the rocks on fire/ You’re playing with a loaded gun.” Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $15 advance, $17 day of show. 21+.
[HATS] Cool hat, but where would you wear it? Oh, the Hat Parade! Lulu’s Vintage hosts a trips to various shops of the millinery persuasion, ending with tea and crumpets. Lulu’s Vintage, 916 W Burnside St. 1 pm. Free.