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October 31st, 2012 MARTIN CIZMAR | Headout
 

Headout: Officil Romney Ballot

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

headout_romney_3852ILLUSTRATON: Paul Windle

My fellow Republicans,

In recent days your normally truthworthy postman (I suppose the liberals would have us say postperson!) may have delivered a letter labeled “Official Election Ballot.” DO NOT OPEN THIS. It is very important that you immediately destroy that document and instead vote by printing your name and signing this piece of paper and mailing it to the address below.

Illustration by Paul Windle

Because of a clause quietly inserted in an otherwise cogent state law authorizing game wardens to manually masturbate trout as part of Oregon’s breeding program—our good Conservative legislators wisely do not waste time reading about fish, especially when the content is vaguely pornographic—your Romney ballot will not be counted and your personal information and credit card number will be forwarded to illegal aliens, who may come to evict you from your own home.

It is only by using this ballot that you, as a Good Christian, can vote for Mitt Romney, a man who openly admits he does not believe the Bible to be God’s final word, instead of the guy who says he is a Christian but is also black.

To vote, you must mail this piece of paper to: 

Willamette Week Voter Suppression Effort
c/o Multnomah County Republican Party
11616 NE Halsey St., Portland, OR 97220

You can also drop the ballot off in person: Republican Headquarters are across the street from Radio Shack, between Hi Five Smoke Shop and Don’s Dugout. As the Grand Wizard of the Multnomah County Party of Republicans, I thank you for your careful attention to this matter.


God bless America,

MARTIN CIZMAR


Headout Picks

WEDNESDAY OCT. 31

DIGITAL UNDERGROUND
[MUSIC] Watch in horror as a room of frat boys in pimp costumes lose their shit to “The Humpty Dance”! Seriously, though, Oakland hip-hop crew Digital Underground accomplished a lot more than creating a karaoke staple for uncoordinated white guys. Refuge, 116 SE Yamhill St. 9 pm. $13 advance, $20 day of show, $75 VIP.

BUG-COOKING DEMO
[FOOD] Jamaican field-cricket kabobs, scorpion scaloppine and wasabi-glazed waxworms: These are actual things “bug chef” David George Gordon will be making at Paxton Gate. Beats caramel apples. Paxton Gate, 4204 N Mississippi Ave., 719-4508. 7-9 pm. Free.


THURSDAY NOV. 1

MORTIFIED LIVE
[EMBARRASSMENT] Celebrating all that is awkward, wonderful and hilarious about adolescence, Portlanders share their most humiliating childhood artifacts: love letters, poetry, journals and more. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. 8 pm. $12-$15. 21+.


FRIDAY NOV. 2

PO’SHINES CHITLIN AND JAMBALAYA FEST
[FOOD] Chitlins are pig intestines. It’s a Southern thing. North Portland nonprofit soul-food cafe Po’Shines raises money for the eatery’s culinary-training program for at-risk kids. Po’Shines Cafe de la Soul, 8139 N Denver Ave., 978-9000. Friday-Saturday, Nov. 2-3.

ORYCON
[GEEK] Now in its 34th year, OryCon is Portland’s oldest sci-fi convention. This year’s con, titled “Apocalypse How?,” will feature a masquerade ball, art show, writers workshop, sci-fi-related vendors and special guests. Portland Doubletree Hotel, 1000 NE Multnomah St. 10 am-8 pm Nov. 2, 10 am-9pm Nov. 3, 10 am-2 pm Nov. 4. $60 at door, children 6-12 $30, children 5 and under free. Info at 34. orycon.org.


SATURDAY NOV. 3

HITCHCOCK FESTIVAL
[MOVIES] Alfred Hitchcock is getting extra attention this fall thanks to a feature film and an HBO original movie. See Hitchcock’s best films, including Vertigo, Psycho and Rear Window. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave. Multiple showtimes, Nov. 2-7. See cinema21.com for schedule.


TUESDAY NOV. 6

ELECTION DAY
[VOTE] Tuesday is either going to be great or the last day we’re happy to live in this country for a long while. Bolt Bus to Vancouver, B.C., leaves at 6:30 am Wednesday, Nov. 7. $18 one way. boltbus.com.
 
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