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December 19th, 2012 MATTHEW KORFHAGE | Drank
 

Drank: Maui Mango Passion (Lanilai)

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This Portland-made “relaxation drink,” if one takes the innuendo on Lanilai’s website at face value, will help you live longer, reduce joint pain, sleep better, attain the heights of mental clarity, lower stress, lose weight, reduce blood pressure and heal injury. The drink’s special “proprietary blend” of alpha- and beta-wave stimulators “allows you to reach a natural state similar to meditation.” Its top two ingredients? Water and sugar, with a dose of Stevia besides. Its “low-calorie” formula has a caloric content on par with a similar-sized glass of Guinness draft. The Maui Mango Passion flavor tastes a bit like sour, watery versions of those fruits, with a bit of chalk residue, as if sipped off limestone. But am I relaxed? It is, at heart, a faith-based drink. While staring out the window at Con-way condo construction under skies streaked with chemtrails, I have been asked by the company’s literature to visualize the white sands of Hawaii. Well, the sun is low and there’s a pleasing cast to the light on this Portland morning. I don’t think the drink is responsible. Not recommended.

 
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