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February 20th, 2013 RUSTY FEATHERCAP | Featured Stories
 

You’re Not High in Portland Until...

28 things to do when stoned in Stumptown.

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Some people don’t need to smoke bowls to get through life. They just spring up in the morning and jump enthusiastically into the mundane business of the day. Others, like me, can’t cry at a movie or make it through a job interview without taking a few bong hits. But whether you are a weekend warrior or a “medical user” like me, every once in a while it’s nice to smoke until you forget your mother’s maiden name, then hop on a midnight train going anywhere. We have other suggestions, too. Lucky for you, this is a city with many attractions for the stoned-out-of-their-gourds set. Set your sights on adventure!


Picnic at the Skidmore Bluffs...
The quintessential Portland thing to do is ride a bike out to a little patch of grass, smoke weed and stare down at some factories. We are truly the center of the cultural universe.

Worship at the Grotto...
This 62-acre shrine near the airport is crazy enough when you’re straight. Be sure and take the glass elevator up to the meditation chapel—those sound like Beatles lyrics, but it’s all freaky real—and proceed to have your mind blown.

Play some disc golf...
It takes deep focus to guide the floating wobbler to its next tree base. Move it with your mind.

Take in the view at Portland City Grill...
So you’re in this bar in the sky, and a dude is playing Elton John songs on the piano, and there are hawks flying around outside, and the kung pao calamari is the best thing in the world.

Start a noise project...
Maybe build some oscillators. Maybe repurpose a Speak & Spell. No musical talent necessary—embrace the chaos!

Hit the strip club...
And think way too hard about the dancers’ lives.

Visit an open-mic night...
The perfect antidote to thinking Portland is a town full of artists.

Perform at an open-mic night...
Nervous about performing that new noise composition you wrote while catatonically stoned? Nothing a little smoked courage can’t fix.

Have post-midnight snacks at Montage...
Where everyone is yelling and you get your leftover alligator jambalaya wrapped in foil shaped like a giant Tommy gun. Not weird at all.

Ride the Portland Aerial Tram...
Best $57 million ever spent on a three-minute joyride in a pod. Remember, you’re inside a sperm headed for a giant egg.

Play skee ball at Chuck E. Cheese’s...
Your childhood was not preserved in amber—it is all kinds of fucked up and rearranged now, and you must accept this truth!

Walk a dog at Kelley Point Park...
A 100-acre park with a 200-acre new-car lot just through the trees. There may be no better place to contemplate the complex relationship between man and nature...after getting high as hell.

See living, sucking history at the Stark’s Vacuum Cleaner Museum...
It’s a vacuum cleaner museum. Fuuuuck.

Visit Packy at the Oregon Zoo...
Packy has lived at this zoo for 50 years. Packy pretty much just throws straw on himself all day. Is your life a little too much like Packy’s? Think about it.

Take up knitting...
It’s kind of like building a rainbow with magic wands.

Eat that stupid doughnut burger at the Original...
And hate yourself in the morning.

Do happy hour at Sniff Dog Hotel...
Sip a coffee and watch a bunch of dogs go insane in the next room. Wouldn’t it be weird if instead of shaking hands, we sniffed each other’s butts?

Watch Portland Development Commission meetings on Cable Access...
It’s kind of like a real-life SimCity.

Blast off at Space Room...
The fact that it’s kind of a half-assed, alien-themed dive bar—with a lot of run-down regulars—makes it all the more fascinating. 

Have enchiladas at Esparza’s...
And freak out over all the creepy marionettes staring at you. They are everywhere!

Spend three hours at Movie Madness...
Trying to decide between Up in Smoke and Harold & Kumar. Eventually leave with Fried Green Tomatoes.

Hang out in some of our city’s lovely hotel lobbies...
And pretend you’re on vacation. The Benson’s lobby is particularly nice.

Absorb the insanity of Rimsky-Korsakoffee House...
Dude, am I high, or are the tables moving?

Play Wii in the Clown Room...
At the Funhouse Lounge. Also, they have chili dogs!

Google Beau Breedlove...
What’s that guy up to these days?

Actually go to Voodoo Doughnut for once...
Who are all these people? Where did they come from?

Get a few high scores at Ground Kontrol...
Get it? High scores! Get it?

Jet boats...
Jet boats! 
 
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