Headout: Other Americans

Who's the Salvadoran Hulk Hogan?

With a group of eight Latino comedians from Portland and California getting our attention with a show called Atención Gringo, we got curious enough to ask.

So we tapped muy dulce comedienne Grace Sadie Cejas, who helped organize and will perform at the show, to tell us about some of the Latino world's best-known entertainers. Here, then, are Cejas' Latino equivalents to some well-known gringos.

ELVIS PRESLEY

The Latino Elvis is obvious; it has to be Shakira—her hips don't lie and neither did the King's.

SARAH SILVERMAN

Louis C.K., unbeknownst to most, is half-Mexican and maintains dual citizenship with Mexico, and his first language is Spanish. Nothing makes me happier than a ginger Mexican.

 BRANGELINA

Ricarlos—that's Ricky Martin and his partner, Carlos Gonzalez Abella. Just what Latin America needs: openly gay, proud Latino couples with lots of kids!

LINDSAY LOHAN

Gloria Trevi, better known as one of Mexico's legendary train wrecks. At her height, her 2011 album, Gloria, was No. 1 in Latin America; at her low, she and a backup singer were incarcerated in 2000 for corrupting minors. She was imprisoned for four years and eight months, and while locked up she snuck in her manager's semen and became impregnated.

HULK HOGAN

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan is the inspiration behind the lucha libre wrestling movement in Mexico. The costumes are a knockoff of Hogan's sweet style. But after seeing that man's face, the Mexicans made the wise decision to wear masks at all times. So much mejor!

REGIS PHILBIN

The Cuban Regis Philbin is a man named Raúl De Molina, best known for his part as the Fat Guy on the hit talk show El Gordo y la Flaca (literal translation: the Fat Man and the Skinny Lady.) Hopefully this is not a spoiler, but the show features a very large, disgruntled man and a pretty, cheerful lady.

SEAN PENN

The Latin Sean Penn is Carlos Leon, a gorgeous Cuban personal trainer best known as the father of Madonna's daughter Lourdes. Penn might have been the first to marry the now-infamous cougar, but Leon's Latino sperm was the first to conquer her womb. And, personally, being half-Cuban, I can't believe how good-looking their child is. I'd kill to have half her looks. Seriously, I think I'm the whitest half-Cuban ever.

GO: Atención Gringo is at the Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 467-7521, on Friday, March 1. 8 pm. $5.

WWeek 2015