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May 21st, 2003 The Nose | The Nose
 

Guilty! But of what?

     
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The Nose needs to confess.

He should be in prison.

If the example of Mike Hawash, the Intel engineer now sitting in jail on charges of conspiring to wage war against the United States and aid al Qaeda, holds any lesson, it's that the Nose ought to be tossed into the hoosegow right now.

That's because, while the Nose has never acted on any of his baser impulses, he's had plenty.

Just the other day, while zipping down the Banfield, he fantasized about slashing the tires of that Land Rover that cut him off.

He can't go to a basketball game without having lust in his heart for the Blazer dancers.

The other night, he had a few too many Jägermeisters and discussed with a buddy the idea of spray-painting the genitalia on Teddy Roosevelt's horse in the South Park Blocks.

He's thought more than once about rounding up a group of anarchists and running them through a Kaady Car Wash.

He's imagined booking dominatrix Betka Schpitz to show up at his boss's house during the dinner hour.

He's even conspired to throw a party in which he would serve Two-Buck Chuck discreetly poured into empty Chehalem pinot noir bottles.

And he briefly considered borrowing some of Jonathan Nicholas' bons mots for this column.

Yep, the Nose has had all those bad thoughts. He should probably be under federal indictment.

Many readers may be thinking that the Nose is making light of our war on terrorism.

To be sure, those who are calling for Mike Hawash's head point out that the Palestinian with the funny beard did more than just think about doing damage to the United States. He acted on his impulses: He travelled to China, feds say, and bunked with members of the Portland Six, hoping to get to Afghanistan.

As Oregonian columnist David Reinhard put it, Hawash and the others may be "pathetic would-be terrorists who never entered Afghanistan or actually fought against the United States. But should the (pitiful) seven get special breaks?"

Absolutely not.

Then again, even based on those standards, the Nose pleads guilty.

After all, the Nose is a critic of some of our elected officials and has expressed his opinions to others. A few months back, he now must admit, he was spotted browsing near The Anarchist's Cookbook at Powell's bookstore. Two weeks ago, the Nose found himself walking past City Hall twice in the same day. And he's been talking to some buddies about throwing away his razor.

It is clear that, like Mike Hawash, the Nose is guilty, guilty, guilty.

He's just not sure of what.

 
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