Today, the national debt standoff finally hits us where we live: boinking sailors.
The annual Fleet Week celebrations—the docking of the U.S. Navy with all available Portland orifices—has been devastated by the federal sequester. The Navy has pulled out, as it were, from all shore calls, removing its usual bevy of cruisers and destroyers from the waiting arms of the lovelorn. And so, as in all times of famine, the voracious must resort to foraging for the unwanted and overlooked.
Yes, Her Majesty’s Royal Navy arrives this week to deposit its seamen. But they are no simple surrogate: The Canuck is a famously abashed and diffident species, not easily seduced. Fortunately, WW has been able to consult with the one Canadian we know—an Albertan farm boy-turned-lawyer—who offers five tips for achieving international relations. AARON MESH.
1. Insult them a little.
“My top suggestion is a two-part question: (A) Is it true that the beaver is Canada’s national bird, and (B) does it actually bite off its own testicles when frightened? Gets things genital-focused right off (beaver and testicles), and has those aphrodisiac ‘neg’ qualities that the pickup artists are always going on about.”
2. Flatter them a lot.
“Memorizing the capital cities of each province and, if you’re feeling really ambitious, the next-largest city from each province is guaranteed to create an immediate sense of intimacy: [Canadians’] expectations of American knowledge about us are so low that we are surprised (and blush with pleasure) whenever we find that any one of you has taken the time to learn that we are something more than Vancouver-Toronto-Montreal + Siberia.”
“The Rob Ford thing is, of course, even a bigger deal in Canada than in the U.S., so you can’t fail with that one. Mentioning handsome celebrities is usually self-defeating when trying to pick up women, but talking about how you’d love to stick it to Justin Trudeau (straight, but twinkish) might be effective on the gay scene.”
4. Build trust through regional loyalty.
“Insulting the French will go down well with anyone from Saskatchewan or farther west. And while mentioning politics in any serious way is a bad call when sex is your ultimate goal, commenting on [Prime Minister Stephen] Harper’s disastrous environmental policy and incipient fascism/totalitarianism will convince almost anyone from east of Saskatchewan that your heart’s in the right place.”
5. Tread carefully. These are cordial but dangerous men.
“Any Canada-specific conversation starter runs the risk of exciting the Canadian prickliness about crude American stereotyping. So advice along these lines presumes that the swabbies’ intoxication inclines them to fucking rather than fighting—not always a safe assumption (especially if you’re dealing with Newfies).”
GO: Fleet Week is at Tom McCall Waterfront Park, Northwest Naito Parkway between the Burnside and Steel bridges, Wednesday-Sunday, June 5-9. The U.S. Coast Guard might also send a ship, but who cares?