For cult-of-Apple devotees—Applets, let's call them—Friday, Aug. 16, may be a dark day. That's when Jobs, a new biopic starring Ashton Kutcher as Apple co-founder and tech messiah Steve Jobs, will be released. The model-turned-stoner star apparently worked hard to prepare himself for the role and was even hospitalized after trying to subsist on Jobs' famous all-fruit diet. The film wasn't screened for Portland critics—never a good sign—and everybody's perplexed by the decision to cast the star of Dude, Where's My Car? as one of the biggest figures of the 20th century. But are the two really so different? Here's how they stack up.
Jobs: Sold boxes that broke into the phone system; made $6,000.
Kutcher: Got drunk and broke into his own high school; lost all his scholarships.
Jobs: ...of Reed College because his family was poor.
Kutcher: ...of state college to be a model and play a highschooler on TV.
Jobs: Designed complicated electronics as a teenager; co-founded Apple with Steve Wozniak at age 21.
Kutcher: Has played the role of "dumb boyfriend" in 16 of his 22 films.
Jobs: Spent seven months in India tripping on LSD; became a Zen Buddhist for the rest of his life.
Kutcher: Was raised Catholic; got really into Jewish mysticism and now spends a lot of time in Israel.
Jobs:"My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better."
Kutcher:"Modeling is the best because you have to look hot, which comes easy to me, you know. I'm blessed with that."
Jobs: Spent two years denying paternity because he was "sterile and infertile"; went on to father three more children.
Kutcher: Wore brownface in a PopChips ad that played to Indian stereotypes; was publicly asked to apologize by fellow tech investor Anil Dash.
Jobs: "He was a historical figure on the scale of a Thomas Edison or a Henry Ford." (Walt Mossberg, The Wall Street Journal)
Kutcher: "All you gotta do is watch The Butterfly Effect to understand he's an excellent actor." (fan on IMDB.com)
Jobs: "Jobs was like dynamite. Dynamite clears paths, but it also destroys everything around it. [Bill] Gates evolved from an asshole into a human being, Jobs remained an ass." (Verinder Syal, business consultant)
Kutcher:" Did nobody notice that Kutcher seems to be sleepwalking through the whole thing?" (The Seattle Times on The Butterfly Effect)
Google Autofill Says...
Steve Jobs is a jerk
Steve Jobs is a douche
Steve Jobs is a hero
Steve Jobs is a prick
Ashton Kutcher is a twin
Ashton Kutcher is a douche
Ashton Kutcher is a bad actor
Ashton Kutcher is a jerk
SEE IT: Jobs is rated PG-13. It opens Friday at Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Lloyd Center, Sherwood, Tigard, Sandy.