Merritt Paulson/Paul Allen Mad Libs
Where they play:
Blazers: East side! In the Rose Quarter, a non-neighborhood best known for bus stops.
Timbers: West side! In Goose Hollow, a historic neighborhood best known for pubs.
Stadium named after:
Blazers: Moda Health, a Portland-based dental and medical insurer. (Fitting because many Blazers stars get horrifically injured.)
Timbers: Jeld-Wen, a Klamath Falls-based window and door manufacturer. (Fitting because Jeld-Wen makes things out of wood.)
Most expensive (not counting sky boxes):
Best perk in the most expensive seats:
Blazers: Free buffet and popcorn.
Timbers: Free hot dogs and ice cream.
Worst thing about the cheaper seats:
Blazers: Damian Lillard looks the size of an ant; fights among fans.
Timbers: Support beams block views; getting wet when it rains.
Best stadium food:
Entertainment aside from the game:
Blazers: The Blazer Dancers gyrate on the court; the Dancing Lady and Blazer Bruce shake it in the stands.
Timbers: Timber Joey saws logs and the Army sets off smoke bombs after every Timbers goal.
Signature late-game chant:
Timbers: “You are my sunshine.”
How fans attack the refs:
Blazers: “These refs suck.”
Timbers: “Oh referee, oh referee, take another bong hit.”
How players acknowledge fans:
Blazers: Appearing in goofy jumbotron videos during timeouts.
Timbers: Win or lose, strolling along the sidelines to applaud the crowd after every match.
Blazers: Los Angeles Lakers.
Timbers: Seattle Sounders.
Blazers: Teams from Texas. Games against the Houston Rockets and Dallas Mavericks destroyed the postseason ambitions of recent Blazers teams—along with the knees of Greg Oden and Brandon Roy.
Timbers: Real Salt Lake. The Timbers have a 1-4-2 record against the Utah team, which currently leads the Western Division.
Blazers: June 5, 1977. A 109-107 win over the Philadelphia 76ers to secure the 1977 NBA championship—their only title.
Timbers: Aug. 12, 1975. A 2-1 sudden-death defeat of Seattle in the North American Soccer League quarterfinals, leading to a trip to the 1975 Soccer Bowl.
Most wrenching loss:
Blazers: June 4, 2000. They blow a 15-point lead to the Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference finals, losing 89-84.
Timbers: Sept. 23, 2007. They lose 3-1 on penalty kicks to the Atlanta Silverbacks in the USL First Division semifinals, squandering a chance to face Seattle in the final.
Blazers: Anything involving centers. Medical treatment of Bill Walton’s fractured left foot. Drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan. Drafting Greg Oden over Kevin Durant.
Timbers: Choices involving Scots: Brogue-spouting coach John Spencer, who spent $1.25 million a year for listless Scot star striker Kris Boyd.
Most embarrassing moment:
Blazers: Guard Qyntel Woods is stopped on Sept. 30, 2003, for a turn-signal violation in his Cadillac Escalade—and shows the cop his rookie trading card as identification.
Timbers: They lose to Cal FC—an amateur squad—on May 30, 2012, when Boyd skies a penalty kick.
Strangest thing you can buy in the gift shop:
Blazers: Gray V-neck dog T-shirt, $16.95
Timbers: Green ax-emblazoned hockey mask, $22
Blazers: The Breaks of the Game by David Halberstam.
Timbers: The 1975 Portland Timbers: The Birth of Soccer City, USA by Michael Orr.
[All Rip City Vs. No Pity articles are collected here.]