Where they play:

Blazers: East side! In the Rose Quarter, a non-neighborhood best known for bus stops.

Timbers: West side! In Goose Hollow, a historic neighborhood best known for pubs. 

Stadium named after:

Blazers: Moda Health, a Portland-based dental and medical insurer. (Fitting because many Blazers stars get horrifically injured.)

Timbers: Jeld-Wen, a Klamath Falls-based window and door manufacturer. (Fitting because Jeld-Wen makes things out of wood.)

Maximum crowd:

Blazers: 19,980

Timbers: 22,000

Cheapest ticket:

Blazers: $11

Timbers: $15

Most expensive (not counting sky boxes):

Blazers: $398

Timbers: $125

Best perk in the most expensive seats:

Blazers: Free buffet and popcorn.

Timbers: Free hot dogs and ice cream.

Worst thing about the cheaper seats:

Blazers: Damian Lillard looks the size of an ant; fights among fans.

Timbers: Support beams block views; getting wet when it rains.

Best stadium food:

Blazers: Bunk Sandwiches, Fire on the Mountain, Killer Burger and Sizzle Pie.

Timbers: A rotating cast of food carts, including Big Ass Sandwiches, Stumptown Dumplings and 808 Grinds.

Entertainment aside from the game:

Blazers: The Blazer Dancers gyrate on the court; the Dancing Lady and Blazer Bruce shake it in the stands.

Timbers: Timber Joey saws logs and the Army sets off smoke bombs after every Timbers goal.

Signature late-game chant:

Blazers: “Cha-lu-pa!”

Timbers: “You are my sunshine.”

How fans attack the refs:

Blazers: “These refs suck.”

Timbers: “Oh referee, oh referee, take another bong hit.”

How players acknowledge fans:

Blazers: Appearing in goofy jumbotron videos during timeouts.

Timbers: Win or lose, strolling along the sidelines to applaud the crowd after every match.


Blazers: Los Angeles Lakers.

Timbers: Seattle Sounders.

True nemesis:

Blazers: Teams from Texas. Games against the Houston Rockets and Dallas Mavericks destroyed the postseason ambitions of recent Blazers teams—along with the knees of Greg Oden and Brandon Roy.

Timbers: Real Salt Lake. The Timbers have a 1-4-2 record against the Utah team, which currently leads the Western Division.

Greatest victory:

Blazers: June 5, 1977. A 109-107 win over the Philadelphia 76ers to secure the 1977 NBA championship—their only title.

Timbers: Aug. 12, 1975. A 2-1 sudden-death defeat of Seattle in the North American Soccer League quarterfinals, leading to a trip to the 1975 Soccer Bowl.

Most wrenching loss:

Blazers: June 4, 2000. They blow a 15-point lead to the Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference finals, losing 89-84.

Timbers: Sept. 23, 2007. They lose 3-1 on penalty kicks to the Atlanta Silverbacks in the USL First Division semifinals, squandering a chance to face Seattle in the final.

Worst decisions:

Blazers: Anything involving centers. Medical treatment of Bill Walton’s fractured left foot. Drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan. Drafting Greg Oden over Kevin Durant.

Timbers: Choices involving Scots: Brogue-spouting coach John Spencer, who spent $1.25 million a year for listless Scot star striker Kris Boyd.

Most embarrassing moment:

Blazers: Guard Qyntel Woods is stopped on Sept. 30, 2003, for a turn-signal violation in his Cadillac Escalade—and shows the cop his rookie trading card as identification.

Timbers: They lose to Cal FC—an amateur squad—on May 30, 2012, when Boyd skies a penalty kick.

Strangest thing you can buy in the gift shop:

Blazers: Gray V-neck dog T-shirt, $16.95

Timbers: Green ax-emblazoned hockey mask, $22

Required reading:

Blazers: The Breaks of the Game by David Halberstam.

Timbers: The 1975 Portland Timbers: The Birth of Soccer City, USA by Michael Orr.

[All Rip City Vs. No Pity articles are collected here.]