Ah, the party every 13-year-old girl wishes she could attend. Thursday night, the adolescent version of the Oscars showcased all the pop stars and twentysomething eye-candy that Tinseltown has to offer. And, of course, the smooches, summer-movie plugs, mock cussing and reciprocal ego-stroking spread like a SARS outbreak.
Between the animated bumpers, viewers winced under a relentless celebration of all the fun stuff that the pretty people did in Hollywood last year. Surprises were few, as the more pop-tacular stars took home most of the kudos for creepiness (best villain: Daveigh Chase in The Ring), self-righteousness (best breakthrough star: Eminem in 8 Mile), and of course, kink (best kiss: Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in Spider-Man).
Of the live performances, 50 Cent showcased his generic mainstream pop-hop, Pink displayed her love of gyrating G-strings, and t.A.T.u. stole the show with their shimmering harmonies and a mob of bouncy, rapidly disrobing Catholic schoolgirls who looked like the femme version of Eminem's parade of male clones a few years back.
WW's own awards go as follows. Biggest pottymouth: tie between Redman and Gollum. Best mock senility: Harrison Ford playing Harrison Ford. Best tongue-on-dancer action: Pink on the G-string girl. Most insipid award speech: Eminem screaming "I got mail! [repeat x12]." Where's Ted Kaczynski when you need him? (Nate Berne)
The 57th Annual Tony Awards
"Two men kissing, drag queens, children. It's a perfect world!" declared actress Michelle Pawk upon receiving her Tony for a supporting role in the play Hollywood Arms. If there was any doubt that the Great White Way is gay, it was dispelled Sunday night. Braver than Hollywood could ever be, Broadway's big night was a true celebration of unapologetic diversity, though the Neanderthal wing of the Baptist Church was probably writhing in its collective La-Z-Boys. Richard Greenberg's Take Me Out, a play about a professional baseball player who comes out as gay, was awarded Best Play, while the camp-as-Christmas musical Nine (starring Antonio Banderas) won Best Musical Revival. But it was Hairspray, the electric-pastel musical extravaganza based on John Waters' film, that carted away awards (eight total, including Harvey Fierstein, beating out Banderas for Best Actor in a Musical and Marissa Jaret Winokur for Best Actress) and provided the opportunity for partners Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, Hairspray's composer and lyricist, to embrace and kiss on national television. Two minutes later, great swaths of Oklahoma and Kansas went dark (darker, perhaps), but Times Square was looking pretty bright.