This weekend, The Portland Mercury hosts another round of Hump, the amateur porn festival that makes you pray you won’t see your boss’ schlong.

We wanted to make a film ourselves but didn't want to shame everybody else with our washboard abs, immaculate genitalia and tantric performances that would make Sting bust his nut early. Instead, we offer these script treatments that you can use at next year's festival—but only if you want to win.

Cinema 21. Thursday-Sunday, Nov. 14-17.

Script 1: 8-Mile

A massive cave, glowing neon pink. LILY and THAD peer past the fleshy stalagmites.

THAD: How did we get here?

LILY: I don't know, baby. Last thing I remember, we were in line for the Pink Martini concert. 

Suddenly, the neon-pink lights go dark, and from the shadows emerge DAVE NAVARRO and THOMAS LAUDERDALE.

DAVE NAVARRO: Who dares enter Storm Large's vagina?

THAD and LILY sprint away. 

THOMAS LAUDERDALE (bellowing): Foolish humans! You'll never escape!

THAD collides with a stalagmite. The ground begins to quake as a torrential rain begins to fall.


Script 2: Hot Sausage

A rain-soaked Alberta Street co-op. A Subaru Outback skids to a halt. STARMICHAEL exits the car with a pizza box, his small biceps glistening in the rain. He approaches the co-op and knocks. The door opens to reveal RHIANNON, draped in a hand-crocheted robe.

RHIANNON: I'm confused. I didn't order a pizza.

STARMICHAEL: Oh? Well, somebody's gotta eat this thing. I'd love to give you this hot, gooey pie.

RHIANNON: Mmmmm. Tell me what it has on it.


RHIANNON: So spicy. Tell me more.

STARMICHAEL: Gluten-free crust.

RHIANNON runs her hand through her short, mousy hair.

STARMICHAEL (slowly): Kale...

RHIANNON (whispering): Oooooh…I love kale. I used to date a guy named Kale. He had such a big...


RHIANNON (abruptly): Excuse me?

STARMICHAEL: Hot…big…sausage. Bursting with hot, juicy flavor.

RHIANNON (angrily): Meat is murder, you fucking pig.

RHIANNON hastily readjusts her robe, causing several threads to unloose. She slams the door. STARMICHAEL slowly walks back out into the rain. He dumps the pizza into the compost.


Script 3: The Cogen Report

VOICE-OVER: The following is an outline of the investigated allegations and a brief summary of the investigational findings as they related to criminal conduct, the focus of this investigation. These findings are based on the review of subpoenaed documents, public records, interviews, and other relevant information….

Also Showing: 

  • 1985’s low-key Fool for Love may not be Robert Altman’s best film. But it does star a young Kim Basinger as a woman trying to escape a former life, plus a lot of talk in a hotel room. Hollywood Theatre. 7 pm Wednesday, Nov. 13.
  • Sometimes, it takes a dickhead to catch a dickhead. So in 2009’s The Yes Men Fix the World, filmmakers Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno pose as industrious profiteers in order to catch people exploiting victims of natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina. It’s as funny as it is infuriating. Clinton Street Theater. 7 pm Thursday, Nov. 14.
  • Hump might have some fellatio, but 1976’s All the President’s Men has Hal Holbrook deep-throating the shit out of the Nixon administration. It’s also the greatest film about newspaper journalism ever made. Academy Theater. Nov. 15-21.
  • What’s more surprising: That Stephen King wrote the novella that became the moving prison drama The Shawshank Redemption? Or that director Frank Darabont went on to develop the The Walking Dead before getting kicked off so the show could focus more on people kicking it at a goddamn farm? Laurelhurst Theater. Nov. 15-21.
  • He’s a maniac. And he’s a cop. But that’s not all Maniac Cop is: He’s also undead. And in Part 2, Officer Murderpants teams up with a serial killer for a bit of the old ultraviolence. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Friday-Saturday, Nov. 15-16.
  • Without Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal, there would be no Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. I cannot stress how important that makes the film. 5th Avenue Cinema. 8 pm Saturday, Nov. 16.