Karl Welzein is America. Or, more accurately, he is 'Merica. Under the handle @Dadboner, the beer-swilling, Applebee's-devouring, jorts-sporting son of Grand Blanc, Mich., has cultivated a devoted following on Twitter, where he doles out such nuggets of wisdom as "Boozin' ain't math" and "If the world wants to flush you down the toilet, just be the king of the sewer." Now, he's done written a book, Power Moves: Livin' the American Dream, U.S.A. Style, and he's hitting the road to inspire the country in person. We asked Welzein—who some say is just a comic named Mike Burns, though that seems like some conspiracy bullshit if you ask me—to tell us about the essential items in his basement-on-wheels.

  • Babes. Preferably consensual and erotic. Piled high with all the toppings and ready to rock for a post-show rendezvous or one-on-one convo.
  • Cold ones. At least 1,000. Heard Diamond Dave used to ask for an extra tour bus just for cold ones and babes. Both premium, of course.
  • Cheetos. I’m a bold-flavor man from way back, and Cheetos lend such great texture to any dish. Hamburgs? Brats? ’Za? Really off the chain.
  • A boob tube with the NFL package. I gotta watch my Lions. You go outta town and they don’t show Detroit! So stupid. They’re America’s team.
  • Copies of Timehouse. It’s a Penthouse with a Time cover. I’m the publisher and CEO. It's a must for today's tasteful gentlemen on the go.
  • Plenty of ’logne. It's important to keep your bod fresh so you don’t gross out the babes. Can’t be smellin’ like some street animal.
  • A boombox sound system complete with all the classics on CD (not cassette). Seger, Whitesnake, the Crüe, Kid Rock, Cinderella, Van Halen...
  • Back-up jean shorts. Dave wiped his smelly behind with my pair the other day ’cause he â€œhad no choice when I used up the TP.” So steamed.
  • Maps of where the local Chili’s or ’Bee’s are. They’re pretty much the hottest spots in the country for late-night action right now.
  • More babes. Can never have too many ripe and mature chest beefers, you guys.

GO: @Dadboner Live is at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., on Wednesday, Nov. 20. 8 pm. $13 advance, $15 day of show. 21kknd.