Rasheed Wallace - LOSER

Disreputable shopping-mall Santas received a huge boost this week, as unemployed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein made them look downright respectable by comparison. Saddam, meanwhile, looked like he should be selling "original glass art" off a batik blanket on Hawthorne. Better luck next time, Ba'athists!

Speaking of Hawthorne, Southeast neighborhood activists finally gained in their battle to stop a multimillion-dollar cap from obliterating the Mount Tabor reservoir. City commish Dan Saltzman agreed to reopen debate over the capping plan. Aspiring protesters, take note: If a bunch of people join hands around something enough times, good things will happen.

Human wind-power experiment Lars Larson hoisted the gilded scepter of victory again this week. The conservative radio host's spirited diatribes about taxation of soldiers stationed overseas, aired on billionaire Paul Allen's KXL, contributed to a military-friendly change in tax law. Larson's ever-multiplying legion of followers roared their approval...

LOSERS

...and yet, oddly enough, Lars was not the most outspoken Allen employee of the week. Rasheed Wallace, 29-year-old Blazers problem child, unleashed a torrent of invective in a rare Oregonian interview. The underachieving multimillionaire complained that the NBA exploits black players.

Meanwhile, apparently heedless of Rasheed's pain, Oregon's poor kids wallowed in their own trivial problems. A county-by-county study reported that 321,000 Oregon children live at or near the poverty level. That's one out of three kids in the state. One social worker described parts of Coos County as "mini-Appalachia." Rumors that the NBA is exploiting all 321,000 impoverished children could not be confirmed.

Marine-life lovers shed orca-sized tears when the famed killer whale Keiko, ex-Oregonian and star of the movie Free Willy, croaked Friday just off Norway. There was no autopsy before Monday's burial, and the cause of death was labeled "pneumonia." Exploitation by the NBA is reportedly not being investigated as a potential cause.

Portland hobbit lovers reeled after an unexpected setback. Though The Return of the King opens today, a scheduled five-day Tolkien fan-fest at the Oregon Convention Center collapsed under murky circumstances. Organizers won't comment, but some Middle Earth insiders blame the NBA's well-known exploitation of hobbits.