Portland Timbers - WINNERS

The downtrodden proletariat registered a rare Oregon victory in April, when the Main Boss was unusually generous. Unemployment fell a half-percent as 8,600 more wage earners than usual found new places within the Capitalist Slave Machine. More than one in 20 Oregon employables still remains without work, however.

A big week for metro-area child geniuses. A pair of downy-cheeked Beaverton science wizards kicked--as Ted Nugent might say--major wads of ass, hoovering up eight prestigious awards at Intel's international science fair. An 18-year-old music prodigy from Forest Grove represented for the humanities, nabbing honors in the Oregon Symphony's national competition for amateur composers.

The Portland Timbers continued their torrid attack on soccer's A-League, pummeling hapless sides from Calgary and Seattle. The victory in Jet City was especially significant: It earned Portland's pro soccer team its first berth in the U.S. Open Cup. The tournament bid could mean matchups against Major League Soccer teams later this summer.

LOSERS

A draft of a U.S. Forest Service report last week presented bad news for the northern spotted owl, the controversial bird that led to a wholesale change in federal logging practices in 1990. Preliminary data show that the number of northerns has declined in parts of Oregon. The loggers' bêtes noires are also under pressure in Washington and California.

Portland Archbishop John Vlazny roiled the waters last week when he proclaimed that Catholics who vote pro-choice should not take communion. Vlazny, whose diocese has lost millions of dollars in the pedophile-priest scandal, may have pleased conservatives but probably didn't win many new converts.

Tasteless cretins everywhere mourned the demise of dumb-tastic KNRK DJs Marconi and Tiny. The FM station showed the pair the door, along with longtime producer Nik Miles, after they made wisecracks while broadcasting the screams of Nicholas Berg, the American contractor beheaded by terrorists in Iraq. Nice one, guys.