Holy glorious mother of all things noisy: With MusicfestNW and TBA storming the streets this weekend, the options for entertainment are endless. Here's a nefarious list of even more ways to suck the energy out of every second of this momentous weekend. Now, go forth and avenge the fests!

Free Weenie Sing: As if Voodoo Doughnuts' (22 SW 3rd Ave.) bizarrely sweet treats weren't enough to entice you to make a pit stop, the dough rollers promise that Frank Furter, the 6-foot-tall, guitar-slinging hot dog, will serenade sidewalk audiences all night long. Unconfirmed rumor: VD might be pimping a limited-edition "MusicFest Doughnut" too. Mmmm.

Arty Rendezvous: An omnipresent cloak of smoke and liver-pickling drinks makes the Virginia Cafe (725 SW Park Ave.) a primo central locale for TBA fans and MFNW devotees to swap performance notes--or spit.

PoPo Alert: Remember, you're still living under the grimy thumb of an oppressive regime that doesn't recognize Europe's enlightened open-container laws. Hide yer booze around 110 NW 3th Ave., Old Town's Portland police field office--unless you really dig handcuffs.

Party Central: According to experts, you start to lose hearing after listening to a rock concert for more than one minute and 29 seconds. Therefore, if one stands in the geographic center of this weekend's festivals, the crosswalk at 3rd Avenue and West Burnside Street, within 10 minutes your head will explode. Rock on.

Anti-fest moment: Musical enema! Jim Fischer croons elevator tunes whilst ticklin' the ivories at Alexander's, that freeze-dried oldster hole at the tippy-top of Portland's Hilton Hotel (921 SW 6th Ave.). Feel cleansed? Good, now get back out there and debauch.

Street Art: Head over to Southwest Stark Street for some real cutting-edge performance art: late-night CHIERS van sightings. Watch in awe as the Hooper temperance patrol embarks on its ballet de booze with the shit-faced souls of downtown Portland.

Double Trouble: We say the FezBallroom's (316 SW 11th Ave.) three lovely loos must come equipped with tables and locking doors for a reason. Bring a friend or a friendly stranger. Hot!

Treasure Hunt: An under-worldly pal let us in on this local legend: A late-night street dealer used to store merchandise on a branch of a tree in the little park triangle behind the Dante's parking lot. Think of it as geo-caching, but with better prizes.

Very Important Printer: No VIP pass? No problem. Kinko's (221 SW Alder St.) is open 24 hours. With a li'l ingenuity, you too can get in on the nonstop action at MFNW's party headquarters--the new Jupiter Hotel. Good luck, sucker.

Half Nelson Detour: Downtown be damned! The Milwaukie Elks Lodge (13121 SE McLoughlin Blvd.) is hosting the real event of the weekend: pro wrestling.

Get the full lowdown on MusicfestNW (Sept. 9-11) with


's special pullout guide in this week's newspaper, or check out www.musicfestnw.com . Find out more about TBA Festival (Sept. 10-19) at www.pica.org/TBA2004 .