Few things excite the Nose like hearing "Republican" and "gay sex scandal" in the same breath. So the Proboscis is loving the news that the FBI is investigating Spokane Mayor Jim West for trying to start a City Hall "youth movement" via his Gay.com account.

In fact, the Nose was all set to expound on a thesis unusually brilliant even for him: West makes Oregon Democrat David Wu look like a paragon of good judgment. Wu, of course, is the congressman who recently wrote federal prison officials on behalf of financial felon Andrew Wiederhorn, enraging the unions Wiederhorn ripped off and raising plenty of eyebrows.

So that was the plan for this week's column. Unfortunately, the Nose spent the hours before deadline in the company of a bottle of Beam and two Ecuadorian import/export specialists whose names he cannot reveal. As the sun set on the corner of 82nd and Foster-and WW's editor placed increasingly desperate calls to the Nasal cell phone-Wu and West began to mix in the Nose's mind, and the following reverie took hold....

FROM THE DESK OF REP. DAVID WU

TO: The Federal Bureau of Investigation

RE: James West, the Mayor of Spokane, My Good Friend

Dear FBI,

I understand your agency recently began an investigation of Spokane Mayor James West, the mayor of Spokane. Though Mr. West is not my constituent, he is a respected Pacific Northwest public servant. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I encourage you to consider changing this decision.

Sincerely,

David Wu

FROM THE DESK OF REP. DAVID WU

TO: The Oregonian

RE: Your Impending Article

Dear Oregonian,

-Last year, my office responded to 588,990 requests for assistance, including 588,899 from tribal casinos. We responded to every request, including those for help with agencies like the Lunar Patrol and the CIA's secret weather-control machine.

-The use of the word "friend" is not to be construed to mean that I have ever known Jim West. Only that I feel the ache he feels....

THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

TO: David Wu

Dear Congressman Wu,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding ____________. We will keep it in our files-someday, you could be a great Special Agent! In the meantime, please find your Authentic Junior Investigator's Badge, enclosed. Keep sleuthing!

Sincerely, Robert Mueller Director, FBI

FROM THE DESK OF REP. DAVID WU

TO: The Federal Bureau of Investigation

RE: Your Persecution of West

Dear J. Edgar Hoover,

Leave Jim West alone. I have pictures, Hoover. Pictures of you-know-what.

Wu

FROM THE DESK OF REP. DAVID WU

TO: The Oregonian

RE: Your Articles Are Full of Lies

Dear Oregonian-

I am David Wu, honorary war chief of the Grand Ronde. My mind tells me that one day you will write an article about the letters my staff has written on behalf of James West, who is a great man. I wish to emphasize the following point:

-There was no attempt to conceal that the letters were written by Walnut, my indentured scribe. You think there was? Huh, bub?

FROM THE DESK OF REP. DAVID WU

TO: Emperor Palpatine

RE: The Rebel Base on Yavin

Dear Emperor,

...Or should we just call you by your real name: Darth Sidious?!? Release my friend Jim West and I will reveal the location of the Rebel base on Yavin! You will be defeated, Sidious!

Sincerely, David Wu