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June 1st, 2005 David Walker | DVD & TV
 

Random Rentals (or, Learning From My Mistakes)

     
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The other day I went to the video store looking for something that wouldn't be too intellectually challenging, but would prove some mindless fun. There were all sorts of movies to choose from, but the one that caught my eye was Zombiez. It looked like it might be so bad it would be good. I wrestled with my decision for a few minutes, but in the end, I decided to take the risk. After all, I do loves me some zombie movies, and as I placed the DVD into the player, I kept asking myself, "How bad could this be?"

Well, the answer to that question is "really f*ckin' bad."

Jenicia Garcia stars as Josephine, a member of a demolition team operating somewhere in New Jersey. One day, for reasons that will never be explained with any semblance of intelligence, some of her co-workers are attacked and killed by psychos wielding sharp objects. Said lunatics are actually zombiez-the voodoo sort, with a hip-hop flava-who do the bidding of their crazed master (Jakeem Sellers). Josephine spends a vast majority of the film running through the woods as the zombiez pursue her, and then she spends the rest of the movie battling them.

Now, as exciting as that may sound, believe me when I say I have not done justice to this craptacular bit of ineptitude. There is nothing good to be said about this garbage. Zombiez is the sort of film that leaves you saying, "I could do something better than that." Hell, blind monkeys with Parkinson's disease could make a better movie than this. Even the supremely bad, almost totally unwatchable Vampiyaz (I admit it, I watched that one, too) is better than Zombiez.

 
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