Viagra - LOSER

Blazers ex-coach Maurice Cheeks earned a well-deserved last laugh on Portland's beleaguered hoops squad by landing his dream job: He'll be returning to his beloved Philadelphia 76ers. The Blazers, meanwhile, prepare to botch another offseason.

Endangered salmon won a Pyrrhic victory when a federal judge spiked the Bush administration's efforts to allow monster dams on Northwest rivers. The fishies' holiday may be short-lived-barbecue season is just around the corner.

Good news for Portland Development Commission auditors. Questions about contracting practices forced PDC to hire an "outside" firm to investigate. Who got the job? After (we assume) much consideration, a contract went to the same firm that's been watchdogging PDC's financial statements for three years! Man, if we lived in PDC's bizarro world, all our bros would have jobs.

Either motorists in Oregon are good drivers or a small number of them test well. According to a recent exam given 5,000-plus drivers nationwide by GMAC Insurance, Oregonians boasted the best average score. Oregon narrowly topped Washington, Iowa and Idaho. Bottom of the list: Rhode Island.

LOSERS

Legendary investor Warren Buffett dealt a blow to the City of Portland's quest to buy PGE on the cheap-or at all. Buffett's $9.4 billion bid for PacifiCorp will push utility prices higher and draw other investors' attention to Northwest utilities, neither of which helps the city.

Library luddites stood aghast at news that Multnomah County will dump its 8,000-disc vinyl record collection this summer. Citing low usage and high maintenance costs, MultCoLib will sell the wax museum at its used-books outlet.

Turns out your mama may have been wrong-it's Viagra that might be causing blindness. The FDA will probe reports that a few men have ended up not seeing straight after taking the "woodsman's friend." No more driving yourself to the doc when those other annoying side effects (four-hour erections and the like) arise.