SEMPER FAG

Just over a year ago, Merritt's closest friend, Major Gary R. Fullerton, 36, died in a freaky collision between two F/A-18s, which occurred during a routine training mission over the Columbia River near Arlington, Ore. And although this is the place where Merritt's book ends, the story of their friendship begins 17 years earlier.

The pair became not soul mates but soul brothers soon after they met at South Carolina's Clemson University, where both were training to be Marines. That's despite the fact that Fullerton was straight, and Merritt was increasingly aware that he was gay. It was a confusing time for Merritt, he admits, as he had just been expelled by the ultra-conservative Bob Jones Academy.

Their friendship lasted throughout their entire military and post-military careers. Fullerton, who was in the Reserves at the time of the crash, stayed close to Merritt through his years as a stripper and porn star, as well as his stint as an air-defense missile officer. "We had a very mature friendship," Merritt told me in a phone interview. "But when he died, I hadn't spoken to him in a month or two. It was like someone kicked me in the stomach."

This is where Merritt's already complicated story takes another bizarre turn. While he was still in the Marine Corps, the duality of his narcissism and low self-esteem led him to a short-lived turn as an actor in adult films. In 1995, he appeared in eight gay porn videos under the name Danny Orlis.

As for Merritt's merits during his porn career? "For porn I was average size," says the self-admitted "bottom." "But I was really easy to work with. I took orders well."'

Merritt's life bottomed out in other ways. It got so intense that on Feb. 9, 2002, he tried to kill himself, and that suicide attempt "is the reason I wrote this book," he says. "So I wouldn't try and kill myself again."

Which brings us back to the death of his friend and the upcoming memorial service on Saturday.

When Merritt started writing his book, he didn't have an ending. Then he was struck by the sight of F-14s flying in formation during Fullerton's military funeral, which took place last year in San Diego. "I thought this would be a great ending, and then, 'Wait, I can't think about this right now,'" he says. "But then I just started writing about it and felt it was a great memorial for him. When he died, I realized he was the major grounding force in my life and I didn't know how I could tell my story without him."