Home · Articles · Food & Drink · Miss Dish · Introducing Kombucha Wonder Drink
November 28th, 2001 Caryn B. Brooks | Miss Dish
 

Introducing Kombucha Wonder Drink

     
Tags:
GENTLE READERS,
Miss Dish is always looking for some kind of tonic to save her heaving ass from the following:

a) Aging.
b) Aches about the Head, Gut and Nose.
c) Reality.

While Maker's Mark has done a remarkable job remedying most of these concerns, there have been certain issues involving dosage that have required her to look for alternatives. That's why she's so glad to discover Kombucha Wonder Drink, yet another obscure ancient Asian beverage packaged and marketed by plucky Portlanders hoping to conquer the United States with a brand new potable.

According to documents released by the Kombucha Wonder Drink Company, the correct pronunciation of this stuff is "kom-boo-chuh" and it comes from a 5,000-year-old recipe. When Miss Dish asked brand manager Michael Dorr about the basis for Kombucha, he gushed forth with a whole spiel that was nerdily scientific in that way home brewers and wine hogs get and that frankly makes Miss D. believe her attention span may be shorter than Osama's life expectancy. Yeast. Bacteria. Cultures. Fermentation. Strains. You get the idea.

And while that kind of blinding science makes Kombucha seem less than appealing, Miss D. is here to tell you that this naturally fizzyish bev is quite tasty. Right now there are three flavors: Himalayan Blend, Asian Pear Ginger Blend and Orient Blend. While Miss D. didn't notice a tremendous difference between the three, the overall sensation is that of drinking apple cider but without that sharp acidic aftertaste that makes you want to rub your tongue on a washcloth.

The best part about this stuff is that there isn't any of that nasty shit in it: high-fructose corn syrup. Miss Dish can't prove it, but she believes high-fructose corn syrup may be responsible for the WTC attacks (by bombing and plane), JFK Jr.'s watery crash and the marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. And what always gets her super-pissed is when she goes to her local Stop 'n' Swallow for cigarettes, hot dogs and a healthy refreshing earth-friendly beverage and finds poseur drinks on the shelves. You know the ones; they claim they're as natural as the love Britney and Justin share, with all sorts of Celtic-meets-Mongol imagery on the label and ginseng infusion, yet they're packed with sugar and that evildoer high-fructose corn syrup. Well, Kombucha isn't like that. No caffeine, no weird dextrose hybrids, and just a little sugar that's a byproduct of fermentation. A perfect accompaniment for beefy hot pockets, if Miss Dish says so herself.

So here's the other bit of info about Kombucha. According to a wide swath of Internet lore, it cures an even wider swath of troubling physical ailments. As a voracious reader of first-person narratives on the net, Miss Dish must warn you that while it may cure cancer, ease a case of gout and repair a stuttering heart, she sort of felt that one woman's claim that it turned her gray hair a shimmering youthful black again seemed kinda like bullshit. You might want to ask her to ante up corroborating evidence before you bite.

Dorr, the aforementioned brand manager, says they'll be marketing the hell out this stuff at bars, so pretty soon Miss D. might be mixing her two latest fave elixirs, Maker's Mark and Kombucha. For now, you can get the Wonder Drink at hotsy-totsy food markets where shoppers enjoy fleece-wearing and smelling good candles.

 
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
 
 
 

 

comments powered by Disqus
 

Web Design for magazines

Close
Close
Close