Teach Me Tonight! Friday, July 14

"I can't go on, I'll go on [to Teach Me Tonight: a benefit for 826 Valencia, a nonprofit creative-writing tutoring center founded by McSweeney's maven Dave Eggers]," said Nobel Prize laureate Samuel Beckett. Oh, but he missed a few things! For one, he didn't mention details about the benefit, which will feature authors Evany Thomas, Dustin Long, Lisa Brown and Zoe Trope. Nor did the Irishman mention that the McSweeney's/Reading Frenzy co-hosted night is sponsored by New Deal Distillery, Queen Bee Creations and Imbibe. But is leaving the comfy confines of your home and paying money to benefit a nonprofit tutoring center really worth it? I mean, you do need a new iPod, and those places are notoriously replete with money! To find out, WW e-mailed the authors and the owner of Reading Frenzy for reasons people may—or may not—want to check out Teach Me Tonight.

"In case you missed them, Chloe Eudaly will be on hand to painstakingly point out the amazing thematic consistencies of this one-of-a-kind-event—including the venue, the title, the presentations, the presence of mixed beverages, the sponsors, and an impressive and quite possibly annoying selection of music about teaching and teachers." —Chloe Eudaly, owner of Reading Frenzy

"Evany Thomas, author of The Secret Language of Sleep: A Couple's Guide to the Thirty-Nine Positions, will be on hand, offering tips to help you unlock the hidden powers of your chosen sleeping pose. Is it time for a new career or mattress? Can a Classic Spoon find lasting love with a Cliffhanger? What is the ideal gift for a known Ventriloquist sleeper (lip balm) or a Pinching Koala (short-short shorts)? You have questions; sleep-pose expert Evany has the answers." —Evany Thomas, author of The Secret Language of Sleep

"In these increasingly complex, supposedly post-colonial times, it is the duty of every thinking man and woman to be as conversant as possible on the topic of Vanaheimic independence." —Dustin Long, author of Icelander (which may or may not be about Vanaheimic independence)

"Zoe Trope, perhaps the only 19-year-old worthy of the title 'literary has-been,' will make a brief appearance, sans mask, to brag about her college GPA and lament the sighting of her first gray hair." —Zoe Trope, author of Please Don't Kill the Freshman

"1. If you are thirsty and would like to show your baby how to concoct a martini. 2. If you are hungry and would like to instruct your baby how to boil you an egg. 3. If your car has a flat and you would like to teach your baby how to change your tire. 4. If your bills are piling up and you would like a baby to pay them. 5. If you want to see a video of Lisa Brown's 2-year-old son mixing drinks." —Lisa Brown, author of the instructional manual Baby, Mix Me a Drink

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Teach Me Tonight! will be held at 8 pm Friday, July 14, at Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside St. The event will benefit 826 Valencia. The readings will be followed by Q&A, special music guest and a reception. Tickets available at Reading Frenzy for $20; at the door, sliding scale, $10-$20. 21+.