Sacred & Profane

Hold your Hebrew Hooters!

For all the Jewish gals out there who always wanted to wear a yarmulke, here's your chance: With the Yarmulkebra ($65, yarmulkebra.com), handmade from genuine yarmulkes imported from Israel, you can be twice as behatted as your twerp of a little brother. Bras come in Bat Mitzvah (small/medium) and Boobooshka (large) varietes. And yes, they do custom orders for the vintage-lovers of the world.

Keep it like a secret

Whether you're in the middle of a steamy extramarital affair or just want to rekindle your romance, the elegantly packaged Secret Love Letters box ($22.95, Powell's in Beaverton, 8725 SW Cascade Ave., 228-4651 and other locations) is a great way to pen discreet mash notes to that special someone. Just scrawl your filthy letter with the included fountain pen and invisible ink and send it off in time for your next tryst.

What's your dysfunction?

Have trouble keeping track of your mental disorders? Just get a kick out of poking fun at the mentally ill? Either way, you're sure to have blast with Therapy Flashcards ($18.95, Hello, Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771). Both bizarre and educational, these illustrated, laminated cards will have you fluent in the language of psychotherapy in no time flat.

Of Course We Blow Coke, Honey

Ephemera Magnets ($3.50, Presents of Mind, 3633 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 230-7740) combine images of the 1950s with present-day questions like, "Mom, is Dick Cheney the devil?" Yes, dear. Of course.

Putting the T-bar to Use

As media barons, we're always looking for new ways to get the word out. Here's one piece of real estate we've been missing out on: all the climbing thongs of the world. Smart Ass beat us to the bunch with their message-bearing thongs ($22, Oh Baby Lingerie, 1811 NE Broadway, 281-7430). Next time you have to grab a can from a bottom shelf at Safeway, let all the potential booty-callers know whether you're free for dinner with "just married" or "party girl" slapped across the billboard of your butt.

The Living Room Pole Dance

It takes endurance and muscle control to win Miss Pole Dance World. And some dedication. And some luscious milkers.

This Pole Dancing Kit ($199.95, Fantasy for Adults Only, 1512 W Burnside St., 295-6969, and other locations) transforms a living room into a Union Jack's practice pavilion—to give its owners a leg up on the competition.

Hair Booty

Part your hair back with little black-baby barrettes ($3, Polliwog, 2900 SE Belmont St., 236-3903) from Perrystar. Channel your inner Beyoncé and bounce.

Porn Over Easy

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. The boob- or penis-shaped egg fryer ($6.95 each, Balloons on Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336) is your brain on porn. Any erections?

Go Fish

Bored in the bedroom? Expand your repertoire a bit with The Sex Deck ($14.95, CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141), a box of flashcards handsomely illustrated with hetero sex positions you didn't know were possible. And, just to make sure you don't run into trouble along the way, each card comes with detailed instructions by Dr. Dawn Harper. Try the Reverse Cat, the Koala or the Around the Clock tonight!

Hip Nips

Do you ever get tired of the same ol' steel-and-leather bondage gear? You ever wish it were a little less, you know, utilitarian? Spartacus hears your cry for help, and has rushed to the rescue with beaded nipple clamps ($19.95-$25.95, Spartacus Leathers, 300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604. See Gimme Guide Vol. 1, page 30.), available in a variety of colors and both single- and double-stranded models. They're just the thing to add a little spring to your breasts, er, step.

Make Him Metro

Got a guy who doesn't have a clue? Call him a fixer-upper and get to work with Is Your Straight Man Gay Enough? ($14.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651), Nan Shipley and Jason Anthony's guide to making your man "just gay enough" to groom—but straight enough to keep him in your bed, and not that handsome waiter's. It's guaranteed to decrease knuckle-dragging and nose hair!gimme MoreKeep On Giving Shopping for someone who has everything? Hey, nobody has too much of the down an' dirty. Buy one pack of Chronicle Books' Sex IOUs ($5.95, Borders, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911) and you're set for years (OK, weeks) of giving yourself to others. Just so things don't get dull, the 30 IOUs come with 30 suggested payment options.

Vox Copuli

Sex is subjective, right? Who is Dr. Ruth to tell us what other people like in bed? The enlightened editors of Nerve.com skipped the experts and went straight to the men and women on the street for Sex Advice From... ($14.95, CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141), a democratic collection of hot tips from bartenders, farmers, snowboarders, etc.