I can't begin to count the number of times I've thought this. Hello?! There's someone else in the car with you! We're so close to you that we can hear not just the little sighs and groans, but the rustling of cloth and opening of zippers as well! Tell me, would you do this in front of, oh, your waiter? While waiting for your groceries to be bagged?

I'm not talking about mere overdone PDA here. I'm talking about what amounts to fucking foreplay. Every week, I'm asked if I've ever seen Taxicab Confessions. I say, "Yep, saw one episode, a couple went at it fast and hard in full view of every single camera and the driver. I figured I'd seen everything the show was about, and didn't need to watch it again."

Tonight's couple is the most egregious yet. You know, I'm glad you're in your late '40s, both really overweight, but are still extremely hot for each other. It gives me hope for the future, really, it truly does. But I wouldn't want to see it no matter what you look like, sorry.

Previously I've only rolled my third eye and suffered inwardly; this is the first time I've actually said it aloud. Their response? "We have a room, you're taking us there." "Wait, we're three blocks away! You could have been separated for the last year and still wait that long." They straighten their clothes. They tip handsomely. They then hurry....