"Oh for god's sake, get a room!"

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I can't begin to count the number of times I've thought this. Hello?! There's someone else in the car with you! We're so close to you that we can hear not just the little sighs and groans, but the rustling of cloth and opening of zippers as well! Tell me, would you do this in front of, oh, your waiter? While waiting for your groceries to be bagged?

I'm not talking about mere overdone PDA here. I'm talking about what amounts to fucking foreplay. Every week, I'm asked if I've ever seen Taxicab Confessions. I say, "Yep, saw one episode, a couple went at it fast and hard in full view of every single camera and the driver. I figured I'd seen everything the show was about, and didn't need to watch it again."

Tonight's couple is the most egregious yet. You know, I'm glad you're in your late '40s, both really overweight, but are still extremely hot for each other. It gives me hope for the future, really, it truly does. But I wouldn't want to see it no matter what you look like, sorry.

Previously I've only rolled my third eye and suffered inwardly; this is the first time I've actually said it aloud. Their response? "We have a room, you're taking us there." "Wait, we're three blocks away! You could have been separated for the last year and still wait that long." They straighten their clothes. They tip handsomely. They then hurry....

—nightcabbie@wweek.com

02.21.2007 at 07:24 Reply

Steve

Sorry about that, sometimes ya just can't wait. ;-)

02.21.2007 at 01:32 Reply

Sean Baumann

NC, I done been there myself. A few years back, this really greasy, pimply couple from the Matador got in. "Hey, cabbie, here's your tip" said this dude, as his companion hoisted her legs in the air and he began to diddle her with his middle finger right there in the back seat.

"Hey, is it OK if I OPEN THE WINDOW ?" is all the sarcasm I could come up with, I was so totally caught off guard. It was really depressing. Then, when it came time to pay up, he said "I'll make her suck you off so good" while she smiled at me and nodded.

I just wanted to get paid, not laid...it was busy that night, and my rent was due. How thoroughly degrading this was...the things we try to politely endure for money.

02.22.2007 at 01:37 Reply

nightcabbie

Wait a minute! Sean, I actually know you! Not well, true, but wow, you put up with that!

I'd have thought you'd have some wholly entertaining way of dealing with it. Ewww....

My standard line's usually, "hey, _any_ bodily fluids in this cab and you pay a $50 clean-up fee!" Imho, it does _not_ just apply to puke...

02.22.2007 at 02:53 Reply

PornFreak

I have not been adverse to a little touching under the skirt of heavy making in the back of a cab. Why the big deal cabbies? If I wanted to wait until I got home, I'd take tri-met, it's cheaper.

02.22.2007 at 09:43 Reply

NC, they lowered the max amount we can charge for bodily fluid spillage to $25. Fuckers.

A little touching under the skirt of heavy making in the back of a cab is one thing, but hoisting those legs right up and going for it to the point where your driver can clearly see and hear, as well as *smell* what you are up to is another. It is a tad rude, dontcha think ?

I absolutely love that syntax, by the way..."under the skirt of heavy making"...I'm gonna HAVE to steal that, PornFreak. Sounds vaguely Eastern European, and everyone knows just how sexy that can be.

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