IMAGE: or ILLUSTRATION BY SCOTT DOPIERALA
AGENT'S REPORT SUBJECT: Bob Log III
STATUS: "One-man band."
MODUS OPERANDI: Blues pandemonium. The Subject's music employs frantic slide guitar, cymbal, bass drum, three additional drum machines and one clapping mechanical monkey. Log "sings" through a telephone mounted into the faceplate of a motorcycle helmet.
BACKGROUND: A lifetime resident of Tucson, Ariz., Log came to the attention of the domestic "underground" music community in 1994 as half of Doo Rag, establishing his signature hyper-speed slide guitar style. His partner, percussionist Thermos Malling, made use of such items as cardboard boxes, metal buckets and empty film reels. Doo Rag suffered a terminal rift while touring with the rock band Ween. Malling abandoned the tour, furious with Ween's tour manager. Log finished Doo Rag's scheduled dates as a solo artist.
Since then, Log has continued to operate as a one-man band, adopting the aforementioned motorcycle helmet and learning to play drums with both feet. As Bob Log III, he has released two albums: School Bus and Trike, parts of what he calls his "vehicle series." His record label, Fat Possum, ordinarily specializes in the music of elderly blues guitarists from the Mississippi hill country.
OBJECTIVE OF REPORT: Currently, the Subject is on tour in Japan, where intelligence indicates his performances are having a disruptive influence on the youth population. This Operative conducted a brief series of interviews with known associates of Bob Log, in an effort to ascertain the threat this artist might pose to the order of Portland, Ore., when he performs in that city on 6 June 2001.
The Loyal Booking Agent: Todd Cote
OPERATIVE: Our understanding is that Bob Log is "big" in Japan.
COTE: Bob does very well in Japan. He's a bit of a superhero out there. He's been to Japan now a half-dozen times, once to host a blues festival.
How did Mr. Log overcome the language barrier?
Oh, I don't think that he was there to talk to people. He was just there to go: HEYHEYTHIS ISBOBLOGHOWYADOINHOWZITGOINGOUTTHEREHEY!!! Like he does during his show. They just wanted him to wear his helmet and his one-piece glitter outfits.
A real celebrity, then. Tell me about his relationship with the English musician Robert Plant.
Apparently, at Bob's last show on his most recent European tour, Robert Plant was in the audience. Plant's manager called me and invited Bob on some East Coast dates. But Bob was already booked for Japan. Bob was bummed. He's a huge Led Zeppelin fan.
How would you describe Mr. Log's temperament?
Everybody likes Bob. Nobody dislikes him. When he asks people to sit on his lap while he's playing, you should see the line. When he asks girls to show their tits, you should see the tits. When he asks boys to take down their pants, you should see the pants coming down. He just seems to endear people to him. He's super-sweet.
The Dutiful Wife: Petra Log
OPERATIVE: How long have you been married to Bob Log?
MRS. LOG: Three and a half years.
How would you characterize him?
Oh, he's very nice and cute. He's one of the nicest persons in the world, and that's not just because I'm married to him. He's really, really, really nice to everybody.
Petra, what is the secret source of Bob Log's power?
AC/DC. Angus really, of course.
Is there anything about your husband you feel the Free World needs to know?
Bob likes to eat fish stomach and fish testicles. He just did, in Japan. Our friend from Japan wouldn't even eat that. Well, the fish stomach, anyway.
The Label Flunkie: Mark Mauer
OPERATIVE: Does Mr. Log pursue a vocation other than that of one-man band?
MAUER: Well, he's a longtime employee of the Loft in Tucson, the only art-house movie theater in the city. That's his Clark Kent job. His mild-mannered job.
A secret identity, I see. Does Mr. Log seem like a natural product of Tucson?
I can't think of any other place in the U.S. that could spawn that kind of weirdness. Nothing like the desert, strip clubs and meth labs to bring out the worst in people.
And what's Mr. Log like as a person? Introvert? Extrovert?
Pervert. He's more of a pervert, I think. He's really a nice guy. But his mind is in the gutter a lot.
How does Mr. Log view his "music"?
Absolute blues. The only people who probably think this are Fat Possum and Bob Log, but we think he fits perfectly onto our label. I think he is one of the best blues guitar players I've ever heard. It's just that there is so much other stuff going on it kinda gets lost, or horribly mutated. The speed at which he plays is just mind-numbing.
I am given to understand that Mr. Log has quite a following in Japan. How does he fare in the States?
Much tougher. But whenever he plays a lot of people unfamiliar with him end up being just completely converted, like at some sort of weird religious ceremony. It's like a revelation. Once they were blind, and now they see.
OPERATIVE'S CONCLUSION: Referring to these interviews, and intelligence provided by the Imperial Government in Japan, this Operative judges the Subject to be a CLEAR AND PRESENT THREAT to the social order in Portland, Ore., and elsewhere. The Operative recommends that the Subject be terminated with prejudice.
Bob Log III, Immortal Lee County Killers
125 NW 6th Ave., 243-2380
10 pm Wednesday, June 6