WINNERS

Gushing copy, photos galore—and maps! You can't buy coverage like that, but Swedish furniture giant IKEA gets it fo' free. The Oregonian dispatched a reporter all the way to Cali to case an existing outlet, and not to be outdone, WW sent a film crew to the Portland store's opening (today!). So no more free publicity, IKEA...er, after this.

Oregon prison food-buyer Fred Monem has successfully fled the state—and charges that he accepted more than $1 million in bribes to buy discounted prison food from California vendors. Since flying to New York on July 1 with the feds' permission, Monem has been MIA. Maybe the prospect of eating prison food left a bad taste in his mouth.

Money for TV spots or TV sets? An Oregonian analysis found state legislators were still using campaign funds to pay for decidedly non-campaign expenses during the past session. Chocolates, personal plane tickets and rent ate up nearly $600,000 of campaign contributions, making it clear why campaign-finance reform bubbles perpetually on lawmakers' back burner.

LOSERS

To Nike's dismay, dogfighting isn't gridiron slang for a tough four quarters—it's the criminal charge leveled at marquee Swoosh-endorser Michael Vick. The feds indicted the Atlanta quarterback on charges that included electrocuting losing dogs. It's enough to have Trail Blazers owner Paul Allen asking, "How's Vick's jump shot?" Now, Nike faces PR fallout. But least the dog brawls weren't in a Third World sweatshop.

Clackamas County malt beverage enthusiasts have lost their right to binge at neighborhood parks. Last Wednesday, county commissioners voted to ban alcohol from public green spaces in response to deputies' complaints over "near-riot conditions" at Carver and Baron parks this summer. Clackistanis who still want to get drunk in the sunshine and hit someone will just have to beat their kids in the backyard.

Being a 13-year-old boy is not yet a crime in Oregon (that line was struck from the Patriot Act). But tell that to Yamhill County DA Bradley Berry, who's targeting two seventh-grade boys for slapping girls on the behind. Sounds like textbook first-degree horseplay to WW. Yeah, ass slapping is a jackass move. But how about classroom detention, instead of a state detention center?