WINNERS

Score one for pervy 13-year-old boys—actually, all 13-year-old boys . Last Friday, a Yamhill County judge dismissed most charges against repentant ass-slappers Ryan Cornelison and Cory Mashburn, who had been indicted for sex crimes after open-handing girls’ butts in the school hallway. Fair is fair: Schoolhouse ass-slapping, while objectionable, doesn’t deserve jailhouse ass-pounding. We wonder if the proto-fratboys celebrated by punching each other’s shoulders and calling each other “fag.”

The Old and the Restless at The Oregonian now have options besides churning out copy till their 65th birthdays. To cut newsroom costs, Oregonian publisher Fred Stickel last week offered early retirement to 32 employees whose age and tenure at the paper added to 90 years (e.g., 60 years old with 30 years at The O ). To read more, visit WWire at wweek.com.

Good news, peaceniks : Portland’s City Council passed a resolution in favor of a federal Peace Department. And don’t call it meaningless: In Washington, Bush resigned immediately. In Iraq U.S. forces passed out bouquets and the mujahideen converted their RPGs into plowshares. And in Afghanistan, the opium crop was bountiful. All hail Kucinich, president for life!

losers

City Commissioner Dan Saltzman’s plan to establish a mandatory 68 percent recycling target for businesses got trashed last week by the City Council after business leaders cried foul. Now, franchising is back on the table. Until then, it’s trusting industry to do what’s right. And why not? It’s always worked before.

The Portland fire lieutenant who delivered three swift kicks to a restrained man has been demoted to firefighter for one year. Lt. Robert Bedgood ’s $70,900 annual salary will be cut by $5,200 and his authority limited to fighting (and kicking) fire only for the next 12 months.

Bridge Pedal or Bridge Parking Lot? For hundreds of cyclists in last Sunday’s annual event across Portland’s bridges, it was the latter thanks to overcrowding.