IMAGE: demian johnston
Last week, I penned Kvetchfest, a string of bitter rants against Portland’s annoying quirks. And I expected that cover story to reap a decent crop of hate mail. The kind worth quoting to friends and posting on the office bulletin board—graphic, comically misspelled threats and vicious, grammatically incorrect slurs. (I hop you dye you fuckking gay fagit!!! Ill kill yur famly ...and so forth.)
But besides several accusations that I was picked last for kickball as a kid (which isn’t even fair since my game was wall ball), response was mostly positive. But I found consolation in the savage kvetches submitted by readers—and WW staff. Besides Portland’s trusty standby bitches—drivers, Californians, full-service gas stations—we got some hilarious complaints. So thanks, readers, for getting the joke and bitching right back. We’re going to keep taking entries at wweek.com/kvetchfest and at firstname.lastname@example.org. But meanwhile, here are my favorites—annotated, of course, and followed by my take:
Menus that source their ingredients: It’s nice that chefs are buying local, but is it really necessary that every menu in town boasts “Draper Valley” this or “Carlton Farms” that?
Speak for yourself. I’d like my steak to come with a Polaroid.
Everybody nodding hello as you walk down the street: Retards do this. Normal people shouldn’t.
Fair enough, but “retards” is not the preferred nomenclature. Retarded-Americans, please.
Portland-only celebrities: The chefs, the bloggers, the clowns, the Byrons and Darias. Who cares?
Hey, Byron, someone called you a celebrity!
Vegans smoking American Spirits: Way to throw away all the health benefits of your diet! My Quarter Pounder does a fraction of the cardiovascular damage from one of your hippie coffin nails.
Dude, they’re, like, all natural!
Self-righteous native Oregonians: Like I really give a shit. I’d like to ship out all those so-called natives and import some really smart, kick-ass movers and shakers into this town, preferably from New York City.
We’re so tempted to print this guy’s name and address.
Fashion Nazis: They preach at people for wearing brand “X” clothing because it’s made by poor foreigners in shitty working conditions, but have no problem snorting cocaine made by poor foreigners in shitty working conditions .
We’ll give up the blow when it comes with a Swoosh.
People who use words from other cultures to try and sound cool: Kvetch? I’ll bet your foreskin that you are not kosher. Just say “bitch.” If you can be it, you can say it. Ciao!
For the record, I’m one-quarter non-practicing Jew. As for my foreskin, ask your mom! Boo-ya!