Commencement Smackdown

The pomp, the circumstance, the commencement speaker. Nothing solidifies the act of graduating like listening to some random alum babble on about how you can put your credits to use in the real world. But students at Wesleyan University got a big political pep talk last week when Sen. Barack Obama pinch-hit for the college's scheduled commencement speaker, an ailing Sen. Ted Kennedy. A quote Harper's nabbed from Wesleyan senior Lola Pellegrino pretty much captured the Obama keynote experience: "You know that feeling when you're so excited you have to pee? I'm feeling that. In my heart."

Turning our eyes to local graduations, WW yearned for that same warm, wet feeling. Instead, we were reminded of how safe our state's grad bashes can get. Here's a sampling of a few upcoming speechmakers and our alternatives, who, if they were speaking, would make our hearts want to pee.

JERRY KETEL
Art Institute of Portland
(Friday, June 13)

This graphic designer managed to graduate art school and get a job (he runs local branding agency Leopold Ketel, which, FYI, redesigned WW last year). Now he has to convince everybody else there's a future for art majors.

Who should speak?
How about one of PDX's servers, personal assistants or telemarketers? (You know, for an approximation of what life after art school is really like.)

REAR ADMIRAL ROBERT BURT
Eugene Bible College
(Thursday, June 12)

Rear Admiral Burt is the chief of all naval chaplains in the world. Something tells us his speech will be like Grandpa's war stories, except a little more preachy.

Who should speak?
Enough with all the middlemen, let's skip straight to Jesus himself. Even better, The Jesus.

KIRBY DYESS
Oregon Institute of Technology
(Saturday, June 14)

Dyess, a member of the Oregon State Board of Higher Education, is a businesswoman whose career was forged at Intel. Intel uses technology!

Who Should speak?
Optimus Prime.

DR. HELEN DIGGS
Oregon State University
(Sunday, June 15)

Dr. Diggs' work with animal-to-human transferable disease propelled her into the national spotlight. Don't expect her speech to include talk of her research, though. The world of veterinary medicine is way too cutthroat.

Who should speak?
OSU's got some very notable grads: the founder of E*TRADE, the founder of U-Haul, a few Playboy Playmates… Take your pick.

GOV. TED KULONGOSKI
Western Oregon University
(Saturday, June 14)

Gov. Kulongoski caused some head-scratching when he shared the stage with Sen. John McCain at a climate-change speech in PDX in mid-May. Perhaps he'll invite Karl Rove to help hand out diplomas.

Who should speak?
Paul Sieber, Chuck Sheffield and John Oberst. Six years ago, they led the campaign that ended WOU hometown Monmouth's "dry" status. Prohibition's over, frosh!

HEADOUT PICKS

WEDNESDAY JUNE 4

[CANDY] THE FAMOUS MYSTERIOUS ACTOR SHOW

Sweet Mother Mary, it's back! The masked maniac of Portland talk-show comedy breaks his three-year hiatus and returns at last to shower us with giggly weirdness. And Sam Adams. Hallelujah! Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. 9 pm. $8.

[MUSIC] FROG EYES

Who likes their pop fast and freaky, with a singer who sounds like he's high on meth and trying to explain himself to the cops? We do! Backspace, 115 NW 5th Ave., 248-2900. 8 pm. $8. All ages.

THURSDAY JUNE 5

[MUSIC] FRIENDS OF THE AFFECTED BENEFIT: POINT JUNCTURE, WA, REPORTER, HUTCH & KATHY

It's just so much easier to support the plight of oppressed Nicaraguan farm workers when so many amazing local bands are on the bill. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 9 pm. $5-$10 sliding scale. 21+.

FRIDAY JUNE 6

[SCREEN] SURFWISE

Nine surfing siblings and their cunnilingus-advocate father hit the rocks in a droll documentary. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave., 223-4515. Nightly showtimes Friday-Thursday, June 6-12. $4-$8. See review.

[CLASSICAL] THE WORLD BELOVED: A BLUEGRASS MASS

Closer to pop music than solemn churchy sounds, Minnesota composer Carol Barnett's exuberant mass deserves a broader audience than most classical performances. First Unitarian Church, 1011 SW 12th Ave., 725-3307. 8 pm. $6-$10.

[MUSIC] RETURN TO FOREVER

There was a time when trippy jazz-rock fusion was actually sorta groundbreaking and not just background music for bad sci-fi sex scenes. Return to Forever was the band that mattered most. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 8 pm. $55.75-$83.25. All ages.

SATURDAY JUNE 7

[STAGE] ¡GAYTINO!

TV producer Dan Guerrero brings his one-man show, a 75-minute review of his journey from East L.A. to the New York stage and back to Hollywood, to Portland for Latino Gay Pride 2008. El Centro Milagro, 525 SE Stark St., 236-7253. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, June 6-7. $22-$28.

[MUSIC] HOLOCENE BIRTHDAY BASH: SHAKY HANDS, STARFUCKER, HORSEFEATHERS

Happy birthday, Holocene! If there's a better way to celebrate you than with a handful of Portland's best bands, we don't know what it is. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8 pm. Free. 21+.

WWeek 2015