There’s bad news and there’s good news. The bad news? Our currency is in the tank—it’s just been surpassed by the Canadian loonie, and the peso isn’t far behind. The good news? You’re about to get $600 in the mail. That’s right: The U.S. Department of the Treasury has already begun mailing out tax rebate checks—the end result of the titillatingly titled “economic stimulus package.” When you get yours depends on the last two digits of your Social Security number, but all checks will have been mailed by July 11.
So, what are you gonna do with all that money?
Forget for a moment about rent checks, college loans, credit cards, school supplies, groceries, child support and laser hair removal. This year, you’re gonna spend that money on better sex. That way, when the time comes, you’ll know just how to find the economy’s g-spot.
Taboo Adult Video
2330 SE 82nd Ave., 777-6033, taboovideo.com.
Although Taboo is growing its selection of videos for groups like leather daddies, trannies and back-to-the-earth lesbians, their forte remains hetero hardcore. The erudite staff recommends offerings from upcoming gonzo queen and PDX native Kimberly Kane, especially Triple Ecstasy ($39.95) and Naked and Famous ($39.95). Prefer an all-male cast? Check out Make Love Not War ($49.95), a romping military romance with a twist ending.
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: TLC Wild S.E.X. Spinning Sex Swing ($139.95).
The Love Boutique
1720 SE 122nd Ave., 252-2017, lboutique.com.
Store manager Donna Dionne has been dealing in edible lube for 18 years, and she can’t wait to let you taste some. For the timid, she recommends wild blueberry-flavored body glide ($8.95) or the ultimate warming lube ($7.95), two sure bets from manufacturer Wet. But what will really curl your toes is the Kama Sutra Honey Dust ($22), a delicious body powder with real honey crystals. To apply, brush it on with the included mini feather duster, and to get it off…well, do what you must. A perk: There’s no sugar, so it isn’t sticky.
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: Furry penis tiara ($6.95).
300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604, spartacusleathers.com.
Admit it: At this very moment, you’d rather be wearing devilish undies. And whether you daydream about black fishnet trunk-style briefs ($19.95) or lace bustiers with removable garter attachments ($84.95, matching G-string $21.95), Spartacus has what you need. What’s not to like? Friendly clerks in a well-lit store offer helpful advice on whips, crops, paddles, slappers, cock rings, ball gags and hog ties. Don’t miss the plus-sized heels and hosiery for cross-dressers and big girls.
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: XL Black Leather Kilt ($300).
Fantasy for Adults Only
3137 NE Sandy Blvd, 239-6969 and other locations, fantasyforadultsonly.com.
Why leave your house when you have the Ultimate Jack Off Sleeve ($20.95). Its ghostly white, uncommonly soft silicone interior is all the girlfriend you’ll ever need. But toys are for couples, too. Lesbians are encouraged to try the harnessless strap-on from FunFactory ($114.95). It packs hours of fun in three color-coded sizes: jet black (small), violet (medium) and baby rose (brace yourself).
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: The Great American Challenge (dildo: 14 inches long, 4 inches in diameter, $24.95).
It’s My Pleasure
3106 NE 64th Ave, 280-8080.
If aggressive male sexuality and its attendant erotophernalia aren’t exactly your cup of tea, we recommend It’s My Pleasure. At this unassuming boutique, geared toward women, customers can get their hands on a wide variety of vibes while Mozart plays in the background. It’s not hardcore, but the for-purchase library is dynamite. The staff recommends manuals on multiple orgasm for women ($17.95) and men ($16.95), and a DVD offering instruction for women on how to fuck men with a strap-on ($35).
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: Erotic tub reading ($15.95).
WEDNESDAY JUNE 11
[STD PRIDE] WALTER CARBONEL
Plush toys! Pretty colors! Herpes! Huh? Peruvian artist Walter Carbonel’s witty multimedia show gets (elegantly) creepy. Ogle, 310 NW Broadway, 227-4333. Closes June 28.
THURSDAY JUNE 12
[CIVIC PRIDE] YACHT, FIST FITE, SOUTHERN BELLE, WHITE FANG, DJ MANNY LENNOXThis preview of the annual PDX Pop Now! fest (July 25-27) is all about dancing, rocking and dancing while rocking. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8 pm. $10 (includes a copy of the new PDX Pop Now! compilation). All ages.
[CULT PRIDE] NEW BELIEVERSThe result of Fever Theater’s January workshop production about war, cults and the nature of belief. Will the second round be an improvement on the promising but directionless first try? Oregon Casket Building, 403 NW 5th Ave., 381-6814. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. No show July 4. Closes July 5. $10-$15.
FRIDAY JUNE 13
[FREAKPOP PRIDE] ISLANDS
Oh, our little Islands is all grown up, making well-produced but fun-as-ever playful freak pop. Hawthorne Theatre, 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 233-7100. 9 pm. $12 advance, $15 day of show. All ages.
SATURDAY JUNE 14
[BLACK PRIDE] JUNETEENTH
Celebrating the end of slavery with a gospel and R&B party soundtrack. Jefferson High School field, 5210 N Kerby Ave. 11 am-7 pm. Free.
[TIMBER PRIDE] CHAINSAW SCULPTURE CHAMPIONSHIPS
The wood chips fly as the age-old battle of man vs. bear-carving machine returns. So worth the drive. Rainbow Plaza, Old Town Reedsport, 20 miles south of Florence on Highway 101, 541-271-3495, odcsc.com. 8 am-5 pm (beer garden open until late) Thursday-Sunday June 12-15. $1.
SUNDAY JUNE 15
[DAD PRIDE] FESTIVAL OF BALLOONS
We’re not sure if it’s the barbecue competition, the Rogue beer garden or the classic car show that excites our paternal side the most. Perfect for Dad’s Day. Cook Park, 17005 SW 92nd Ave., Tigard, 639-4171. Friday-Sunday June 13-15. $7. More info at tigardballoon.org.
[GAY PRIDE] PRIDE PARADE
Leave the duct tape at home, this is one parade that has enough room for everyone. 11:15 am. Starts at North Park Blocks and Davis Street, ends at Waterfront Park. Free.
MORE: Get the whole skinny on the guv’s big package and find out when you should be gettin’ paid by visiting irs.gov and searching “Stimulus Payment Schedule.”