5. Flat topography encourages hippies to build ridiculous bicycles.

4. Application to become fourth member of Menomena rejected on the grounds that I was "too fat/not bicurious enough."

3. Plenty of contact with smug, self-satisfied white people in Seattle; no need to relocate.

2. The prospect of eating steak and watching strippers at the same time fills me with existential dread.

1. Have an extremely low boredom threshold for listening to people talk about their heritage chickens.

SEE IT: The Long Winters play Berbati's on Friday, May 28, at Doug Fir. 9 pm. $12 advance, $14 day of show. 21+.