Top 5 Holiday Variety Shows I’d Like To See

Perry Como's "I'm Still Dead, But it's Christmas, Dammit!" Special
Featuring a reanimated Perry, Angie Dickinson and a CGI version of Bing Crosby singing a duet with Marie Osmond's hair circa 1978.

Bill O'Reilly's War on the War on Christmas
O'Reilly performs a kabuki version of Glenn Beck's "The Christmas Sweater," Sarah Palin sings "O Holy Night" while stuffing a turkey into a Rico Turkey Behead-O-Matic and Michele Bachmann reads a new version of the Bible in which a death panel pulls the plug on the sweet baby Jesus.

The 2009 Lady Gaga-Lighting Spectacular!
Moby, Timbaland and the cast of Glee spend most of the hour decorating Lady Gaga. Then they light her up and sing "O Tannenbaum" while dancing around her like Peanuts characters.

A Real Kardashian Rock of Sex Rehabby Christmas in the Hills
I'm not sure what happens on this one, but Spencer and Heidi die at the end. For reals.

Catchy Name Needed.
This would be hard to put together, but it would be really cool to see a live, local holiday variety show with, say, a chef and a great poet and maybe a memoirist and funny holiday essays and sketch comedy and a couple of unbelievably kick-assy bands. If only, right?

SEE IT: Live Wire! Radio's Holiday special is Saturday, Dec. 19, at the Aladdin Theater. Guests include John Darnielle, Nurses, Donald Miller, Lisa Schroeder, Matthew Dickman, Stacy Bolt and Wade McCollum. 8 pm. $20, or $30 reserved. Minors must be accompanied by a parent.