Prairie Dog Town, Oakley, Kan.
Advertised for miles as "home of the world's largest prairie dog," this place is a complete scam. Chris, our guitarist and resident prairie dog aficionado, really got his hopes up. There was a $7 charge to see the goods. Turns out, though they host several rattlesnakes, goats in heat, and a six-legged cow, they DO NOT host the world's largest prairie dog—or even a larger than average prairie dog. They do have a very large STATUE of a prairie dog. Goodbye seven dollars. Thumbs down.

Parks in Russellville, Ark.
Eight-hour drive. Feeling cooped up. Roll into the town we're playing... Hey, a park! Excited to stretch our legs, we exit the car to hear the melody of a Southern drawl: "HEY! Y'ALL GAY?? CUZ Y'ALL LOOK LIKE A GAY!" We're used to such things, but it's slightly depressing when it comes from a grown man holding HIS INFANT CHILD in his arms while his female kinfolk booty dance to the white rap blaring from his El Camino.

Hotels in the woods of West Virginia
Some nights on tour the plan is to just drive till you can't drive no more. Driving through the forests of West Virginia, we're hitting about 3 am and realizing we're gonna have to suck it up and get a hotel. Unfortunately we haven't seen civilization for some time. Wait...I see a hotel on top of that woodsy hill! We pull into the parking lot and a toothless, wild-eyed old man comes charging out of his room before we're even out of the van. He tells us he murdered his brother. I laugh and say "I doubt that." He says he's got pictures in his room to prove it and nvites us in for a beer. We say we'll be right back—and run for our lives.

SEE IT: The Valley Arena plays Berbati's on Tuesday, August 11.