January 11th, 2012 | by CASEY JARMAN News | Posted In: Sports

The Blazers/Magic Drinking Game (an Almost Live Special Report)

     
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budStan Van Gundy hits the can - (Photo illustration by Soma Honkanen)
Sadly, there wil be no live blog for tonight’s epic Blazers/Magic game. But seeing as how this may be the biggest challenge the Blazers have faced all season, we didn’t want to leave you hanging. So we’ve built this 10-point Blazer/Magic drinking game for your enjoyment. Face it, with Dwight Howard taking charge of the competition, this could be the kind of game you want to be drunk for.

-YOU’LL NEED-

1 bottle of your favorite booze
1 six-pack of your favorite beer.
1 Comcast-equipped television, turned to channel 8 or 38, or the digital equivalent.
1 Bag of chips or something. I mean, come on. It’s a game.


-THE RULES-

TAKE A SWIG OF BEER AND SAY “OH, THAT SMARTS!” ANY TIME:
*Portland’s announcers talk about Dwight Howard’s trade demands.
*JJ Redick hits a three-pointer.
*Marcus Camby high-fives a kid in a wheelchair in a commercial.
*Gerald Wallace falls down.
*Dwight Howard misses a free-throw
*Buck Williams and his sweet bow tie get a closeup.

TAKE A SIP OF LIQUOR AND SING YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON THEME SONG ANY TIME:
*The announcers say something to the effect of “you look at the score, and the Blazers are only down ___, and you have to think it could have been a lot worse.”
*Mike Rice expresses his distaste for a particular referee.
*Dwight Howard MAKES a free-throw.
*You see a running chest-bump.

TAKE A SHOT AND MAKE EXTREMELY LOUD ANIMAL NOISES ANY TIME:
*Portland’s announcers say they wish Greg Oden were here to match up against Dwight.
*A player dives into Paul Allen’s lap.
*Marcus Camby throws an alley-oop to LaMarcus Aldridge.
*The camera zooms in on Daniel Baldwin.
*Sideline reporter Michael Holton stares, silent and unblinking, into the camera for just a little too long.
*Nic Batum complains.

TAKE A SHOT, STAND UP, TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND DO SOME INEXPLICABLE RUSSIAN DANCING ANY TIME:
*Portland’s announcers, after expressing their wish that Greg Oden were here to match up against Dwight, say something vaguely hopeful about Greg Oden’s recovery.
*A Blazer player whips out the three-goggles.
*You successfully lip-read a player or coach's curse words.

TAKE A SHOT, TAKE A SWIG AND HIGH FIVE EVERYONE IN THE ROOM ANY TIME:
*A Blazer player reaches a double-double.
*The Blazers reach 100 points. And do it again for each consecutive basket thereafter. (The Magic have been holding opponents to 90, so this is not unreasonable.)

DRINK THE REMAINDER OF YOUR ALCOHOL AND TEXT YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU’VE BEEN HAVING “DARK THOUGHTS” ANY TIME:
*Luke Babbitt enters the game.
*A player falls to the ground while clutching his knee.

nate's a-drinkin'
soma honkanen

 

-SPECIAL HALFTIME RULES-

TAKE A SIP OF BOOZE AND SLAP YOUR OWN FACE:
*For each hyperbolic Dwight Jaynes or John Canzano Tweet.
*For each text you receive with the word “Blazers” in it.

-SPECIAL POST-GAME RULES-

DIE INSIDE A LITTLE EACH TIME:
*A friend says “we” when they really mean “The Blazers.”
*A national headline focuses on the Magic rather than the Blazers.

 

 
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