Each week our culture scientists rank their 10 favorite things in the universe. The resulting list is infallible. The list is perfect. If you don't agree with the list, you are wrong. Some items may stay atop the list for weeks, others may only make a brief appearance. Some items are Portland-centric, but only because Portland is at the center of the universe. Please do not write to us, asking for the metrics behind the list. We will not provide source material. We will not be swayed. Bow down to the list. Love the list, as the list loves all things. Let the list move through you. (And, you know, if you have suggestions for the list, stick them in the comments section below.)
Probably the best magazine article we read all year.
2. Poor Tony Romo
The pathetic son-of-a-bitch finally proved all his doubters (Read: It List) right. Poor Tony. If only the worthless sack of shit could play football half as well as he dumps famous blonde ladies, the Cowboys would have the playoff berth they should have. Instead, another long off-season to spend replaying the horror of that final interception, in which Tony floated the gentlest ball he could right to a redskins defender. Oh, Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony. Ugh.
3. Infinite Decemberists
Look, the guitar on Decemberists’ Calamity Song bears suspicious resemblance to Murmur-era Peter Buck—though it is an effective enough '90s jangle-pop delivery vehicle, the song is oddly unmemorable, passing penumbrally through other songs, other melodies—but who cares? It's ESCHATON. A tennis war game. From Infinite Jest. Wow. We are grateful for the reminder, yet again, that IT'S SNOWING ON THE GODDAM MAP, NOT THE TERRITORY, YOU DICK.
4. Ian Karmel's Wolf Joke
From Friday’s Funny Over Everything show at the Hollywood Theatre. If someone sends us a Youtube vid of his rant about British wolves, we’ll post it. If not, you’ll have to take our word that it’s very funny indeed.
Surely, someone will collect this wordsmith’s thoughtful, provocativeessays in response to open-ended questions into a handsomely bound volume or two.
6. Hard Cider
Cider options are steadily improving around town, and it’s an apt time to sample the offerings. Spire Mountain Dark & Dry Cider has nice and round molasses notes, which are even stronger in Crispin Lansdowne Cider. Woodlawn cidery Reverend Nat's produces numerous snappy options, though its holiday release, a New England-style still cider spiced with cinnamon and nutmeg, lacked serious apple punch (still, at 9.8 percent ABV, it'll get you drunk faster than most of those 5-percent weenies). But Nat says this pretty gold elixir—which isn't carbonated—can be gently heated, which is what we'll try tonight.
7. Fifteen Minutes of Martin Cizmar's Head Under the Water Faucet
In a case of public relations gone terribly wrong, food PR firm Little Green Pickle sent WW Arts and Culture Editor Martin Cizmar a little baggy of what looked to him like pickle-shaped candy. It was glycerine soap. He’s pretty sure he chewed it twice before the true horror of what he’d done took hold. No word from Little Green Pickle about whether they were trying to punish him for something he said.
As the dank cold air seeps through your windows and your wealthier friends don their sombreros and sarongs for epic month-long subtropical respites, chances are your feet aren’t getting any warmer, and heck, that depression won’t cure itself. But your long history of overdue parking tickets and dropped appointments won’t allow you to adopt a pet in good faith, and PTSD from playing Paperboy baked out of your mind rules out dogs. Dude, you need to sit a cat or three. They’re like little electric blankets/vacuum cleaners you don’t need to plug in, just feed once in awhile. Walk around your neighborhood after tuning your nose to the scent of kitty litter and ring some doorbells. If you’re more tech-savvy, try making a profile on the gorgeously-designed www.portlandpetsitters.com. Before you know it, all the kitties in town will think you’re running some kind of halfway house utopia, and you’ll be ensconced in warm fur.
This fellow is about 80 micrometers tall, which translates to about three one-thousandths of an inch. Scientists in Vienna printed him out in resin using a computer and a laser. Is it an amazing world? Oh my gosh, it is. It is an amazing world.
10. Nopocalypse 2012
That’s right. Still here, motherfuckers. So raise those glasses, toast the guy with his finger on the button and send that ill-begotten year straight back to the hell it crawled out from.