Each week our culture scientists rank their 10 favorite things in the universe. The resulting list is infallible. The list is perfect. If you don't agree with the list, you are wrong. Some items may stay atop the list for weeks, others may only make a brief appearance. Some items are Portland-centric, but only because Portland is at the center of the universe. Please do not write to us, asking for the metrics behind the list. We will not provide source material. We will not be swayed. Bow down to the list. Love the list, as the list loves all things. Let the list move through you. (And, you know, if you have suggestions for the list, stick them in the comments section below.)

1. Former WW Music Editor Casey Jarman’s List, â€œIt’s Not A Portland Winter Until You’ve…” 
Because it isn’t. It just isn’t.
ILLUSTRATION: johnfmalta.com

2. Fertile Ground
Not everything we've seen has been stellar (in the dance-installation piece A House to Call Our House, Julia Calabrese's arm-swinging quickly turned from entrancing to mind-numbing), but this 11-day festival of new works is a wild and wooly paradise for performance junkies. As an uncurated festival—meaning anyone can participate if they meet the application deadline—it's madcap and unpredictable. Our recommendations so far: The Huntsmen, R3, (...) and International Falls (which will be reviewed in Wednesday's paper).

3. Colin Kaepernick’s Turtle 
He got it when he was a little kid and still has it. It looks less like a Jersey Shore douche than its owner. 

4. The Mars Volta Break Up

Sure, it got wanky and overstuffed really fast, but for one brief flash—namely, the span of time between its first EP and Rick Rubin-produced debut album—the prog-punk behemoths were the most intensely visceral live act of the early '00s. Godspeed, you Afro-topped emperors! 

5. Upright Brewing’s Fatali Four
This barrel-aged saison is punched up with the addition of searing fatalii chilis and earthy brettanomyces yeasts to create a brew that is slightly spicy, slightly sour and entirely delicious.

6. The Stone Roses Headlining Coachella
Who the heck had to drop out for that to happen? This is America, goddamn it! Keep your 20-year-old Britpop in Britain!

7. Vietnamese Diner Slop

We’ve got one of the best Vietnamese restaurant scenes in the country, but San Francisco still schools us big-time in cheap-as-sin, artery-clogging, meat-stacked rice hashes at hole-in-the-wall, BYOB, cash-only mom-and-pop Vietnamese diners mysteriously named “Cordon Bleu.” We hyphenate, therefore we don’t kid. It’s awesome. If your Polish mom were Vietnamese (or vice versa), this is what she’d make you.

8. Mi Mero Mole’s Super Bowl Tamales

The Thanksgiving tamales were bomb, yo. We think they might have won our blind tamale taste-off if they were available all the time. Instead, they're for special occasions, like America's holiest day, Super Bowl Sunday.

9. WW as Portland Tribune as LinxPDX
An eerie and frightening experience, as Portlandia animates all of our deepest fears and simultaneously showcases our stupidest office junk while filming at our office.

10. Omaha as Eighth Ring of Hell
No, seriously. This happened.