Each week our culture scientists rank their 10 favorite things in the universe. The resulting list is infallible. The list is perfect. If you don't agree with the list, you are wrong. Some items may stay atop the list for weeks, others may only make a brief appearance. Some items are Portland-centric, but only because Portland is at the center of the universe. Please do not write to us, asking for the metrics behind the list. We will not provide source material. We will not be swayed. Bow down to the list. Love the list, as the list loves all things. Let the list move through you. (And, you know, if you have suggestions for the list, stick them in the comments section below.)

1. Vacancy at the Papacy!
Good news for one enterprising unemployed Portlander? Watch out, though: We hear the job is downright apocalyptic. Also, and nonetheless? South American applicants strongly encouraged.

2. The Dream's Hat-Beanie Combo at the Grammys
Jay-Z stole our joke about his Boyz N the Hood hat by thanking the swap meet he bought it from, but he forgot to mention that, with the Parental Advisory Sticker beanie he had on underneath, it must've been a two-for-one "Remember the '90s?" sale.

Third straight appearance. We’re the donkey, and it keeps getting warmer. Nonetheless, it's slipped to #3, behind the Pope and Jay-Z.

4. McCormick and Schmick’s $3.95 Happy Hour Burger
5. The Savannah State University Students Who Snuck Into the Super Bowl 


Kinda makes that time we snuck into the Warped Tour in California seem lame. Nah, that shit's still awesome.

6. Geopolitical LARPing
It’s kind of like Turkish Star Wars, except it’s North Korean Dr. Strangelove. 

7. Absentee Bimstagram
Bim Ditson is out of town, and he still goes to more shows than you. 

8. Bar Mitzvah with Tiki Barber
Thanks, Dad, for choosing dentistry!

Grantland dove noggin-first into the weird world of storebought ex-athletes here

9. The Sound of the Life of the Mind
We checked out the new Ben Folds Five record before their show last week and have since found it to be shockingly sticky. Yes, we're perhaps overly susceptible to the charms of like piano-based pop-rock ("punk rock for sissies," in the band's promotional parlance) but, still, "Draw a Crowd," "Michael Praytor, Five Years Later" and "Do It Anyway" come as welcome surprises. We're as excited as we were the first time we saw the "One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces" video.

10. Seeing Our Editor-in-Chief Under the Header, “News for the Urban Sun Devil” 
With a nametag that says Walter Cronkite.