Each week our culture scientists rank their 10 favorite things in the universe. The resulting list is infallible. The list is perfect. If you don't agree with the list, you are wrong. Some items may stay atop the list for weeks, others may only make a brief appearance. Some items are Portland-centric, but only because Portland is at the center of the universe. Please do not write to us, asking for the metrics behind the list. We will not provide source material. We will not be swayed. Bow down to the list. Love the list, as the list loves all things. Let the list move through you. (And, you know, if you have suggestions for the list, stick them in the comments section below.)
1 Milk Fanfic Perhaps we are very late to this particular party, but a version of the Raven, composed entirely as an Amazon comment about mail-order milk, did very much catch our eye:
“Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more...”
2. Vancouver as the new 1990s San Francisco Our culture scientists biked to Vancouver this weekend, and upon being deposited on the other side of the Columbia River, promptly saw a young man toking up while roller blading down the riverfront trail. The world does spin, doesn’t it?
3. Wampire + John Norris Forever
Guess which aging ex-MTV VJ is apparently smitten with one of our city's very own pop prodigies? Why, John Norris, of course! Our intrepid New York correspondent, Mykael Wanghammer, reports that Norris was seen rocking out hardcore to buzz-worthy Portland phenoms Wampire during the group's performance opening for Unknown Mortal Orchestra last week. It wasn't just a fleeting infatuation, either. Check out the lovey-dovey Tweets he sent out around the same time.
4. Eddie, the Oregon Zoo’s basketball-playing arthritic sea otter
He’s been shooting hoops to help his own arthritic joints. We hear the same trainers are now working with Greg Oden. [Cue poignant rimshot, soft weeping.]
6. Portland menopause, part II And by that, we mean Friday's weather. That's right, Portland—the hot flashes ain't over! Nor the cold, cold snaps.
7. This weird-ass kayak commercial
Why is Phil Jackson's younger brother soft-shoeing in a hotel lobby and speaking in a vague Cajun accent? We don't know, but we are going to try our hardest to turn growling "It's tip-tap tiiiiiiime!" into a meme. Maybe you, like, walk into a department store, grab the customer service mic, yell "it's tip-tap tiiiiiiiiiime!" and start tap dancing until you get thrown out? We'll keep working on it.
8. Diego Valeri’s juggling trick
If it were basketball, this would be traveling. And even in soccer, it looked vaguely impossible, except that the rules he was breaking were never written down by anyone.
9. This guy’s juggling trick Which, from our point of view, is startlingly similar.
10. Revenge of the word hoard
These books—an art installation by Wary Meyers—forever bust out of an ex-library (and current ad agency) in Portland... Maine. Hello, other Portland.