Each week our culture scientists rank their 10 favorite things in the universe. The resulting list is infallible. The list is perfect. If you don't agree with the list, you are wrong. Some items may stay atop the list for weeks, others may only make a brief appearance. Some items are Portland-centric, but only because Portland is at the center of the universe. Please do not write to us, asking for the metrics behind the list. We will not provide source material. We will not be swayed. Bow down to the list. Love the list, as the list loves all things. Let the list move through you. (And, you know, if you have suggestions for the list, stick them in the comments section below.) 1. Bored Bartenders Plus Beet Juice
Bless the hearts of the underworked bartenders at Liberty Glass
: On a slow Sunday evening, rather than slacking on the job, they were cutting out snowflakes (OK, that might have been a patron) and concocting clever cocktails. To wit, drinks with beet juice, including one that mixed vodka, tomato juice, a touch of porter and maybe a few other things that we’ve since forgotten. It was peppery, lightly sweet and redolent of clove. And it’ll lower your blood pressure
! Which is just what we need this time of year. 2. Michael Mannheimer’s 15 Seconds of Sports Fame
Almost a meme for our erstwhile Asst. Music Editor. Almost!
3. The Failed Fake Snow Day
Michael Mannheimer (right) with unidentified companion.
Some benevolent Chinese person or local schoolkid—soon to be arrested as a terrorist, no doubt, and sent straight to Gitmo without supper nor habeus corpus—punked the news and the PPB into believing Portland schools were starting late for snow . We admire the chutzpah, you terrorist! 4. How to Fight a Baby
Adorable and informative.
5. Lorde’s Cover of the Replacements’ “Swingin’ Party”
Right now Paul Westerberg is clutching his copyright close to his chest, and Lana Del Ray is trying to figure out why she can’t copyright listlessness.
6. Amazon Drones
Isn’t this how Terminator 2 started?
7. Best/Worst Midlife Crisis Ever
Although somehow, after giving random Portlanders $1,000 on the street, he manages to make them feel heckled and bewildered rather than grateful. So he’s kind of like a foot fetishist who offers you money to take off your shoes in front of him. You don’t know whether you’ve been violated, but you’re rich! Rich!
8. Grizzly Bear Chasing a Geyser-Boiled Bison
Nature, man: It cooks your meat for you, but it still makes you run for it.
9. R. Kelly’s Black Panties
The first “did he really just say that?” line involves Kellz’s “taser tongue.” The second is, “Ass swoll live she got stung by the whole hive.” There’s a song called “Marry the Pussy” that sounds like Aziz Ansari doing an R. Kelly impression. He calls himself a “Sex Genius.” And it just keeps going from there. Don’t ever change, Arruh.
10. The Greatest Missed Layup Ever
The return of Kobe Bryant is throwing a wrench in the Lakers’ plan to tank the season for better draft positioning, but luckily, no team with Nick “Swaggy P” Young on the roster is under threat of winning much—especially when he’s out there doing shit like this.