"We're not a strip club," the owner at Hillsboro's Dream Cup Espresso bikini barista shop told our writer. "We're a classy business that sells a good cup of bikini coffee." 

Now we know why he was so eager to make the distinction: In news surprising to probably no one, the coffee served at strip clubs is apparently awful. 

Looking to combine Portland's two great claims to fame—you know, aside from beer and mid-priced food and Etsy and middling television and unemployment—the enterprising writers at locally based coffee blog Sprudge wandered down to some of Portland's most familiar strip clubs, from Devil's Point to Magic Gardens, and asked after their coffee selections. 

What they discovered was a wealth of Folger's and First Choice.

The writer was thrown a bit off the track, however, by Sassy's strip club's choice of Ambiance, conflating the brand with an espresso tanning shop in Vancouver. Ambiance is, as it goes, a coffee brand under the Smart & Final umbrella that includes restaurant wholesaler Cash & Carry

Sure, they might sell a lot of 1980s-style French Vanillas and Hazelnuts to corporate clients. But here's the thing: it's by far the best of the lot among the strip club brews, a westerly suburbanite's idea of gourmet beans nestled at the mid-upper tier of supermarket generic brands. Sassy's also has the best strip club steak.

So: Get thee to Sassy's, O nonalcoholic fans of nakedness. 

That is, unless you're adventurous enough for Ron Jeremy's Club Sesso, which Sprudge reports to serve Millar's. As we've always suspected, swinging is all about the food.

Read the Sprudge post here.